Let It Sink In

I'm sitting in this really cool chair at school right now. It's a comfy one and I'm sitting here texting my friend about the things that are on my mind. Things that have been for A VERY LONG time. Things that still bother me, things that still hurt. 

There are a lot of pieces of my life that I haven't unpacked. I haven't given myself the opportunity to just sit in them. I'm very good at getting angry with myself because of the way that I feel. I tell myself I shouldn't feel like this because of that and I shouldn't feel like that because of this. And I'm a very sensitive and emotional person so this is a constant battle. 

I talk down on myself, I shame myself, I get embarrassed of the way I feel things. I'm supposed to take these pieces of baggage to God because He's the only person that has the ability to heal me. But so much of the time I don't believe He will. I don't trust that He sees me and He's listening to me and that He knows my heart.

Isn't it crazy that all of the qualities about us that we hate are the things that God loves? All of the imperfections are exactly the opposite. My stubbornness, my tendency to feel things so deeply, my need for constant affirmation, my desire to please others. He created all of those qualities about me specifically for me, why would He hate them? 

Take a minute and let that sink in. 

You. are. unconditionally. loved. 

I become immune to God's character and don't often just sit in it. It's like fast forwarding through the side effects on a medicine commercial. I kind of do that and tune out the FACTS of who God is. But please just take a minute to slow down and understand this: 

Nothing you or I could ever do could make the creator of the world stop loving us, stop Him from wanting to be on our side, stop Him from pursuing us. 

Stop being ashamed of all the things you were created with. Stop shaming yourself for struggling with trust. Stop shaming yourself for your past. 

He has already forgiven us for the things we won't forgive ourselves for. 

Good song: "Pieces" - Amanda Cook 

_______________________________________________

Romans 8:38-39The Message (MSG) (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8%3A38-39&version=MSG) 

31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

_________________________________________

Today, try to let this all sink in. 

Hope your day is lit af

PSA: You Are In Fact Allowed To Be Proud Of Yourself

Dear wonderful humans reading this:

You are wonderful. You are loved. You are appreciated. You are deeply cared for. At times it doesn't feel like it, I know, but you are.

And since you are human, you will go through things. Little things, really big things. There are going to be days where you just aren't feeling it and you just feel like calling in sick to life in general. There are going to be days when the trials overpower the joys and that's okay. There are going to be days where you're anxious about everything and that's okay. There are going to be days where you can't do it and THAT'S OKAY.

On these days, we often hate ourselves for feeling the way we do. We hate the situation. We hate all of it. We want to give up. We feel like we can't do it. That's okay, too. But, here's something that's helped me during times like that:

Treat everything you do as a victory. Celebrate. Treat yourself with ice cream or a new shirt.

You got out of bed this morning? Good job! Be proud of yourself because you could've just let life defeat you in that moment. You were victorious.

You showed up to school or work? That's so awesome! Some days that takes courage and bravery and YOU DID IT.

You ate food? I know when I'm upset or anxious I don't like to eat. Sometimes just making sure you have had a meal for the day IS A BIG DEAL! Take pride in that!

You spoke to people when you didn't feel like it, you didn't cry, you ordered your dinner, you reached out to someone because you weren't feeling good, you finished your homework, you survived the day? You should be so unbelievably proud of yourself.

Every single thing you do on a day where it feels like you can't, THAT is a victory. You moving forward is a win. Sometimes this life seems like it just wants to knock you down. To make sure you don't make progress. To make you feel alone. But each and every time you get up when you feel like you can't, each time you take on the day, you are winning. You are winning.

You have won. Be proud of yourself.

James 1: 2-8
"Even When It Hurts" - Hillsong

Ears Are For Listening

Sometimes, life sucks. A lot. And the days drag by and people treat you poorly and you have to fight to get out of bed.

Sometimes, things are going to hurt. A lot. People aren't going to care what you have to say. They're going to press your buttons. They're going to overreact. They're going to disrespect you. They're going to get mad at you for doing the same things they did to you. And it's going to hurt.

Sometimes, you're going to be nervous. You're going to be terrified of people. Of school. Of work. Of life itself and it's going to be tough.

But we're also going to have good days. We're going to smile and cry tears of laughter and eat good ice cream with people we want to be with.

And my absolute favorite thing about this life is that we have the creator of the universe on our side. He is on our side, fighting with us, holding our hand every step of the way. That is an unchanging fact. No matter what.

Today was a really rough day for me. Like one of the most rough days of my life, and unfortunately I'm going to probably have a lot more like these, but it's okay. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be frustrated. For some reason, this society has trained us to think we always have to be the most put together person. We always have to be happy, we always have to love this life.

But we don't.

People put up this façade that they're always happy. They put up Instagram pictures from their latest adventure with big smiles in the prettiest places, but no one knows what goes on all the other times.

WE ARE HUMAN and we have emotions and we have every right to feel them (EVEN YOU, BOYS). There aren't always answers and sometimes we just have to sit through the pain. But there are over 7 billion people on this earth and there are over 7 billion stories. Odds are, there is at least one person near you that can relate to your story, your bad day, or is just willing to listen. Reach out to that person. Don't hear the lies that you're a bother. You're not. You're far from it. You are a person of a community, a city, a state, a country, and a planet and you deserve to be heard.

Now be heard.

Sorry, It's Been a While

I'm 18 years old and oddly enough I don't remember much from before about 9 months ago. That's when everything changed for me, so I guess there isn't much a reason to remember it. 

But, 9 months ago was when this journey started for me. The day I set foot into YoungLife after months of denying was purely a miracle from God.

Now, this is something that I've spent a few weeks thinking about. 

I'm in a very very strange stage in my life. Nothing really makes much sense, old things are coming back to haunt me, I kind of just feel like I'm floating through everything. Supposedly it's called the "I Don't Know Phase" because if you were to ask me how I was, I wouldn't know how to answer because I really don't know. This piece of my life has caused me to think a lot about my life. A lot about where I've been putting my trust, my happiness, my identity. And in all honesty, it hasn't been in God. It's been in my friends, in my schoolwork, in my Instagram feed (as pathetic as it sounds), and by how many people seem to enjoy me being around and those things always always always fail me. They always leaving me feeling stupid, unworthy, and hopeless. 

This is what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days:

I want this so bad. I want to wholeheartedly pursue God. I don't want to keep it in anymore. I want people to know that's where my joy comes from, where my love comes from, where my hope comes from. I want to live this life for Him. I want to understand that His plan is much greater than mine and follow it with no complaints. 

We are loved by the creator of entire freaking universe, guys. He chose us. None of this is a coincidence. Every single obstacle that we've overcome has led us to this place. No matter how much pain it's caused, I wouldn't change it for the world, because it's brought me to now. 

God, you have changed everything for me. Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. For these beautiful people. Thank you for loving me no matter what. For never making me feel like an inconvenience. For never leaving my side no matter the circumstance. Thank you for loving me 100 buckets, all the time, no matter what. 

Mali-DO IT? (pun credit to Jackie Hernandez)

There's this thing called Beyond Malibu. It's through YoungLife and I'm not going to pretend like I know a ton about it because I don't. All I know is that it's about a week of backpacking through mountains in Canada. And I need to do it.

Some background about me, I get nervous to leave for weekend retreats when I'm allowed to have my phone.

So, how am I supposed to be able to GO A WEEK IN THE WILDERNESS TYPE STUFF?

I don't have any idea. But what I do know is that since the day I heard about it, I wanted it. And tonight a video and an opportunity were both put in front of me and my heart started beating. My leader always says that when her heart starts beating she knows she needs to do something.

I feel a really strong pull towards this. And I mean I've never experienced it before, but I think this is what it feels like when God wants us to do something.

I'm scared, actually terrified is a better word, but it's His will not mine. He knows me better than I know myself, so while I'm sitting here teetering between yes and no for me having the ability to get through it, He's just chillin there waiting for me to shut up and just say yes. I deserve this for myself. All I have to do is say yes. Maybe acquire a passport and a way there, but all I really have to do is say this is what I want for myself.

And put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. He knows exactly what He's doing and where my path leads me and although its so freaking scary, I'm walking by faith and not by sight.

I'm Here

The first panic attack I ever had was the summer after sixth grade. I was in Yosemite with my grandma and I was just about to take a shower when all of a sudden I got really nauseous, couldn't breathe, all I could see where flashing lights, I got really hot, and all I remember is everything going black and losing my balance. I fell to the ground, but not like I passed out because I didn't completely go limp, I just kind of fell over. I was fine after that. 

The next one that I remember was in eighth grade. I was on Christmas Break and my parents woke me up to go to my grandma's house which was where I would be staying for the day. I lived in these apartments and I remember walking down the hallway feeling like I couldn't get enough air. We got in the elevator and the flashing lights and nausea started yet again. My parents told me I turned yellow, which I guess freaked me out even more because when I got out of the elevator I threw up. 

I remember all throughout middle school, there would be nights where I would go to bed shaking. 

That elevator thing happened again over Thanksgiving Break of my freshman year of high school. 

A similar experience occurred my sophomore year where I had to leave school while in the middle of hanging out with my friends because I couldn't stop shaking and the smell of food made me gag. 

During my junior year of high school, a boy started messaging me and I couldn't stop shaking for about six hours.

I never knew what it was until last year, my senior year of high school. 

I never knew that these little episodes were a result of anxiety, which has just seemed to get worse over time. 

This past summer, I went to camp and at around two o clock in the morning a girl in the room next to us had a seizure. I remember the noise she was making. I remember the panic in everyone's voices and faces. I remember feeling like I was suffocating and having to pace the room because I literally could not sit down because I was shaking so bad. I never went back to bed that night because I was so scared of it happening again. 

About a month ago, I had a nightmare and I woke up at around one to find that the neighbors were having a party. I couldn't process that the noise was coming from the party so I started panicking. I couldn't breathe and I had to go lay with my parents. Thankfully, my friend was up and she helped calm me down. 

Now, each day consists of me having about ten minutes where I feel like I can't breathe at least four times, if I'm lucky. 

I used to be terrified of leaving my house. I would cancel the plans I had with people just because I was so nervous.

I have difficulty eating away from home. I hate being alone. I have to actually push myself to leave the house. I can't wake up to noise. I can't handle high stress situations. I can't cope with chaos. 

Honestly, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm so so lucky that a few of my friends are dealing with the same things so that we can get through it together, but it's absolutely terrifying. It's paralyzing. It's so so frustrating. And it often just leaves you feeling so hopeless. Like why am I living if this is what the rest of life is going to be like for me, and once it gets to that point my chest starts to hurt because it's so hard to understand that that is what I am thinking about. 

If you've never experienced anxiety, I guess I would say it's just this constant fear, weight, and overthinking that plagues you and of course there are ranges. Some people have it more difficult than others, but that's basically a general definition, or at least for the way mine is. 

SOO, I didn't write this for sympathy. I didn't write this for attention. I wrote this because I know how scary and isolated it can make you feel. I know how alone it seems like you are. And I'm just hoping that maybe one person reads this and understands and knows that there are people just like them. It's a struggle but we can walk it together. 

Also, I wanted to write this to make a statement that psychological things are real. They're scary. They're not just something you can snap out of and telling someone to just "stop freaking out" or to "stop thinking that way," DOES NOT HELP. It's going to be confusing, stressful, there are going to be moments where you feel completely hopeless being in a person's life who may have anxiety or depression. But, if you really love them, you won't just walk away. 

Here are some tips

1. Tell them you love them

2. Make sure they know they ARE NOT an inconvenience

3. Let them know that you are not going to leave their side until they feel better

4. Respect their wishes, whether it be them feeling like they want to stay home or whether it be them feeling unsafe. Just respect it. It's so defeating to be forced into something you're not comfortable doing. 

5. Tell them you're available ANYTIME to talk

6. Hugs are really nice

7. Back rubs are sometimes even better

8. Please, take it seriously and don't leave their side. Please. 

And lastly, I know how hard it can be trying to work on your relationship with God and struggle with anxiety at the same time. You're told that you don't trust Him enough. You're told you don't need medication because God can fix all your problems. (WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE MEDICINES? GOD CREATED THE PEOPLE THAT CREATED THE MEDICATION) Do not feel shame. Do not feel unworthy. You do what you need to do for yourself. 

You're not alone and if you're reading this and don't have anyone else who understands, I do and I'm always here to talk. 

XO Ashley 

Letter to the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup from the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup

So often, we focus on the things going on in our lives. I know that every single post on here has been about how to get through something yourself, but that's about to change. Chances are you have some friends or at least some family. They're going to go through some things and that's okay, but we don't always know what it takes from us for them to get through it. I was in church one day and the pastor was talking about friends and how your true friend is not who is running to you when you are hurting but who YOU are running towards when THEY are going through something. It's not about what you get in return, it's about giving and loving freely and wholly, without expectation of anything.

So.... here's my letter from me, the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup to you (maybe), the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup.

You're going to want to buy some Kleenex and unlimited text messaging if you don't already have it. You're going to want to get your priorities straight. You're going to want to figure out whether this friend likes back rubs or hugs better. You're going to want to turn your phone off of do not disturb so you never miss a text message from them. You're going to want to find out whether it's ice cream or french fries that work best. In addition, never leave to go anywhere without your phone, you don't want to risk it. Tell them that they can call you WHENEVER they need to, whether it be two in the afternoon or two in the morning. You're going to want to tell them that they ARE NOT a bother and that you're not going to get annoyed with them talking about the same things over and over again. You're going to want to find a positive outlet for yourself when it gets to be a lot. You're going to want to make sure that you get them out of their house, but also pay attention to whether or not they have anxiety so you know if you should do a calm, low-key hang out or go out and adventure. Try to allow them to be alone for the least amount of time possible. You're going to want to repeat I love you as many times as you can. You're going to want to tell them that God has a bigger and better plan for them. You're going to want to come up with some really cool metaphor as to how they are making progress. You're going to want to tell them how proud of them you are no matter what decisions they make, how many times they slip up and text the boy, and no matter what the coping mechanism (but if it's an unhealthy one, try to lead them to a better one).

You're going to want to rip your hair out. You're going to want to cry along with them. You're going to question whether or not the things you're doing are working. You're going to have hopeless days. You're going to question whether you ever want to have a boyfriend or get married. You're going to need patience.

You're going to learn a lot. You're going to become closer with your friend than you ever thought you could. You're going to see more tears shed than you thought you could. And you're going to make a difference with each and every positive word you say. It's going to change your life. A lot. You're going to grow. But it's going to be worth it because if you're anything like me, you love your friends. You love them almost more than life itself and are willing to do anything for them. You're going to realize how protective you are. You're going to surprise yourself when your advice is more on point than you expected. You want nothing but the best for them. You're going to absolutely hate seeing them shattered and broken and you're going to have a slight hatred for the person that caused this, but one day, when everything's looking up, you're going to be thankful for this experience. Even though you think you never could right now. You're going to realize that sisters aren't always related by blood. You're going to know what real love and appreciation is. What loyalty feels like. And one day, if that's how things are meant to be, when you're hurting they'll be there for you the same way you have been for them.

Now stop reading this, go cry with that girl and tell her you love her. Tell her that you'll be with her every single step of the way. And not because you have to, but because YOU WANT TO.

Remember to keep YOUR head up as well. The tears and hugs will pay off. I promise.

xoxo, The girl who loves her best friends more than they'll ever know.

It's okay.

Today was one of the worst days I've had in a really long time.

I'm in one of those seasons of my life that's just straight up rough.

I'm hearing so many lies about who I am and what I mean to others. I know what God says about me but those just seem like empty words and the lies seem so so real.

I'm lost, confused, scared, hurting, and I have no idea where I'm going next.

What happened? You may be wondering and the funny thing is I've been asking myself and God the same exact question. Nothing happened. But it feels as if my entire world has been shaken.

My anxiety has been awful because I'm so scared for the future. I'm scared of leaving my house. I'm scared of eating. I'm scared of asking myself who I really have right now because it seems like everyone is walking away.

I'm hurting because I feel like there's a solid two people in my life that actually care about how I feel and have been running towards me in this time. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

John 13:7, "Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'"

That is honestly the only thing holding me together right now.

I learned this past weekend that it's okay to be going through a tough time. Most people are. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be completely shattered. It's okay to just cry and cry and cry. You're not pathetic or seeking attention for reaching out to others for help. It's okay to need a friend to just sit with you, not say anything but just hug you. Isolation can be the worst thing in these times, that's when the enemy attacks.

Even if you have no one to talk to right now, know that you're not alone. There are so many people going through the same thing or something similar. There are so many people who are shattered right now.

Don't think that just because you have a relationship with God, you have to put up a mask that you're okay all the time.

Pray when you can, even though I know it's difficult to figure out what to say to Him.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel without purpose.

These are things that I have to tell myself day after day and still continue to try to accept but

1. YOU ARE LOVED
2. YOU BELONG
3. YOU WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THIS
4. YOU ARE ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON
5. YOU HAVE MADE AN IMPACT JUST BY BEING BORN
6. IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. There's nothing wrong with you.

(You'll Never Walk Alone)

One thing I've learned is that there are going to be people who don't understand. There are going to be people who don't agree with the mission. There are going to be people who judge you for for the cross necklace you're wearing, the devotional you're reading in the morning, the verse you have in your Instagram bio. There are going to be people who don't believe the things you say about the experiences you've had with God. It's going to happen.

I have a really hard time grasping what it means to feel God. Sometimes I get confused or feel left out because I haven't had those crazy God moments. I haven't seen the clouds in the shape of Jesus or been in a near death situation where it was only a miracle that I survived.

One thing I do know is that nothing makes me as full as singing worship music in a room full of people or praying with someone I love.

This weekend, I went to a retreat in the mountains. There were some of the most beautiful views and peaceful places. I had an amazing time. I left refreshed, encouraged, feeling loved, and more motivated and confident in what I'm doing than I have been in a really long time.

This weekend, I know God was there. I know that sounds crazy and silly and dramatic and like I'm making it up, but I have this thing where I get goosebumps at random times during prayer or singing or having a conversation with someone and I know it's Him. Nothing else gives me goosebumps.

And there are things that people say that just happen to be exactly what I need to hear. And I believe that is God, too. I was sitting by myself this morning reading my devotional and praying and one of the guys on the retreat came out and gave me a high five and said, "Hey, I'm really glad you came this weekend, Ashley."I was told I was awesome. I was told I was loved. I was told I make people feel like things are going to be okay. I needed that so so bad.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that you don't need a crazy story. You don't need a miracle. You don't need to see Jesus in the clouds to know God's around and listening. Sometimes it's in the details. It's the small things. It's the "coincidences," the breeze, the view. And know that those small things don't make you any less than those with the big stories and that many people feel God the same way you do.

Now I'm back home, back to the chaos. I have to go back to school and I feel terrified. It's so difficult to go from something so beautiful to something so complicated, but I know it's reality. And I know that each day is an opportunity instead of a dread. It's an opportunity to make friends with someone who doesn't have any. It's an opportunity to smile at the kid who hasn't smiled in weeks. An opportunity to tell someone I love them. It's all about what God can use you for. And along the way, look out for those random goosebumps, the little breezes, the things that cross your mind. There's a good chance that's God standing right beside you, holding your hand. And if you don't feel any of that, that's okay, too. You're not ever walking alone.

GOOD SONG: Holy Spirit by Jesus Culture

I Don't Know What To Title This So I Guess You'll Just Have To Read The Post

SO

There's this really awesome feeling called peace.

I mean it might be considered a state instead of feeling but that's besides the point.

I've been a people pleaser since the day I was born. Nothing I ever did meant anything unless my parents were impressed or my friends thought I was cool because of it. If you are or have been the same way, you know how exhausting it is. You work tirelessly, putting whatever you're working towards, whether it be the grades, the touchdowns, the art pieces, before your own health, sanity, and joy. Majority of the time you just ending up feeling shitty because you had this expectation that your parents or coaches or friends or whoever were going to be really proud and excited and they often aren't. I don't know about you, but I've never really felt proud of myself. Until...


NOW. I'm proud of myself, now. I know how far I've come. I know how hard I've worked. I know how much time and how much of myself of put into getting to where I am.

Tonight, I had this really awesome conversation with my best friend. She reminded me that God sees what I'm doing. He sees how hard I'm trying. He sees it all and he understands my intentions. He's proud of who I've become and how I'm trying to live my life.

Tonight, I got home from where I was and asked my parents if I could go somewhere tomorrow night. They were angry that I'm "never home anymore" and that I "am not doing my school work." (both of those are false.) They basically told me about all of the things I should be doing but am not. But anyways, these types of things used to make me feel like such a failure. I felt worthless. I felt like a constant disappointment. And I can tell you, after so many times of just breaking down and crying any time I wasn't doing something that someone else wanted, that tonight I didn't.

This is what I consider peace. I'm proud of myself. I'm content with who I am and what I'm doing. I am in absolute AWE of the things God is doing in my life and the lives of my best friends.

And I know that no matter what I do, as long as I'm trying, God is more proud of me than I could imagine. I'm at peace with this beautiful life. It didn't come easy and it probably won't always be here, but I have it now and I know I owe it all to the man upstairs.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is not perfect. God's changed my perspective. I just know now that I'm taken care of. I know that the creator of every single thing has got my back.

I am thankful, I am humbled by the places I've been, and I am so so hopeful.

You're NOT alone if you feel consumed by something so far from peace. We've all been there and you can and will get out. Lean on God. Trust that where you are and the way you are feeling is going to lead you right where you need to be. Keep on pushing. You've got this.

I'm proud of you, God's proud of you. Now be proud of yourself.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful day. xo


Tip: starting the day off with a devotional, worship music, prayer, reading the bible, etc. are really awesome ways to start chaotic days (or any type of day, actually.)

A Brand New View

First and foremost, HAPPY LABOR DAY!

Second, for the holiday weekend, my family and I went out of town to Palm Springs which is a couple hours away from home. It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to. It's just a different kind of beautiful. Lately, I've been really interested in forests after experiencing YoungLife camp in Williams, Arizona. The camp sits on a mountain in the middle of a forest and it was the first time I had ever really seen a full on real one so since then I've been kind of biased towards them. 

But Palm Springs, even though I've been many times, showed me a new kind of beauty. 

I think this is a perfect example of how much your perspective changes when you begin following Jesus and realizing all that God has done for you.

I saw a gorgeous sunset, palm trees, flamingos, and today on the way home I saw the most beautiful clouds I've ever seen. That all left me thinking. 

God created all of that. ALL of it. For me. For you. For all of us. And it's so mind-blowing to think that WE are God's masterpiece, his greatest creation. (Genesis 1:26-27 when it says we are made in God's image and Ephesians 2:10 NLV)

I looked out of the window just staring at the clouds and the mountains around and I think I was able to feel God's love for the first time in a while. It was overwhelming. 

The devotional Jesus Calling from September 5, said that He is our best friend. I talked a little about this with my friend. If you think about all of the time you spend speaking to your best friend or talking about her/him, are you spending that much time talking to/about God and Jesus to those around you?

To be honest, I haven't been spending NEARLY as much time with God as with my friends. But I do know something... 

This journey, it's something that I want more than anything in my life right now. I want to build a stronger relationship and dive in deeper. I want to build community and learn about the life Jesus lived. I want to trust God with everything. I want to love others. I want to give. I want to mentor others. I want to share the story I have, although it's not much of one, to those who need to hear it. 

This is a process, it takes discipline and it takes support. Find some friends who want to walk with you and will encourage you along the way. Find people who push you towards God when you don't want any part of it. You are NEVER alone in this journey, always remember that.

You've got this. Keep pushing, keep learning, and keep wanting it more than anything you've ever wanted before. 

Have a great day.

xoxo

Sorry, I'm awkward

It's been a while, again, I know. Sorry about that.

So within the last few weeks, I've been hearing a lot of lies. Being new to all this college stuff, I had zero confidence in myself that I could make it through and graduate. I felt unloved. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't think I had the ability to change anyone's life so what was the point in even trying to write a blog post?

But I'm back and even if I can't, I'm doing this for myself, too.

So I've been thinking A LOT about how I can bring God to my school. It's an absolutely terrifying thought. I'm shy, I'm awkward, and I'm not creative in any way, shape, or form. But it's something I want so badly. I want to be a light to the people around me and I want God's light to shine through me. I want to make this confusing, stressful, and lonely time one that's filled with joy, laughter, and love.

We have the opportunity to CHANGE LIVES here!

Story time! The other night I went to school to go to YoungLife and afterwards while my friend Lindsey and I were waiting for my dad to pick us up, we saw this guy in a shark suit. Like a full on onesie with a shark head. He was just riding his bike around and I guess this guy is featured on the SDSU local snapchat story thing and he's quite the little celebrity. So Lindsey went and introduced herself and started asking him questions about it. Eventually they began talking about why he was doing it and he said, "I just want to people smile." MY HEART MELTED. This guy was basically agreeing to embarrass himself just to make other people smile.

And no, I'm not telling you to go to the store and buy some animal costume, but you know how many small things we could do just to brighten people's days? Something as simple as introducing ourselves to someone who we see is alone on a bench, or smiling at a person walking by, or paying for the person behind us, or picking up someone's pencil so they don't have to get up.

Like I said, I'm shy and awkward and a VERY nervous person and I like to use that as an excuse, but I was reading this book (called Crash The Chatterbox: Hearing God's Voice Above All Others) and it talked about how we often think that we have to go through things alone. We think we're alone. We forget that God is there ALL THE TIME. The way we stop thinking like a nervous wreck is by saying "even if that happens, God says He will..." and in the book it gives examples like protect me, give me peace that passes understanding, catch me, lead me to triumph, make me wiser and stronger as a result of this trial, put me back together.

We forget that it's not about how we can get through something, it's about how we can get through something with God's help.

SO try to step out of your comfort zone, love others, make someone random smile. Remember, this life isn't about you. You're working for the King.

Hope you are all having a wonderful day and I'll talk to ya'll later!

xoxo

Anxious Minds

It's been quite a few days since I've posted!But I'm back!

So, I talked about this a lot in my recent posts, but on Monday I started my career as a college student as San Diego State University.

Ever since I was little, I really disliked going to school. I hated new school years and having to have new teachers. But mostly, I hated having to switch schools. So this was all of that put together.

Fun fact about me, I get really bad anxiety from just about everything. I've never been the most comfortable about leaving my house. I get really stressed out and nervous to go hang out with my friends, go to school, start new things, be places where I don't know many people. I get panic attacks where I have trouble breathing and start shaking. It's frustrating but over the last few years I guess I've started to understand it more and I know more about how to be okay.

I've had many people tell me and I've read that anxiety happens when you're not putting your trust in God and I almost take offense to that. That's probably the thing I've had the most trouble with on this journey so far, trusting Him. People talk about it like it's so easy and all you have to do is say the word.

Before I started school, I had people tell me to trust that things were going to be okay. That I'd have fun. That I'd make it through. But I couldn't believe it. I've been through the same things switching from middle school to junior high school and junior high school to high school and I know how much trouble I've had getting adjusted. For the first two weeks of seventh grade I came home every day and cried. For the first month of high school I cried every other day.

The thing about anxiety is that you always have this worry or thought in your mind that things are always going to take a turn for the worst. I don't know if it's because you want to feel prepared or what, but I've found that the majority of the time, I have this worst case scenario in my head and it almost never goes that way.

I had this thought that this week was going to be awful. I would get to school and want so badly to go home that I'd cry. That I wouldn't be able to handle the school work (which I have yet to get to). That I'd get lost. I had so much fear, but it didn't turn out like that. I'm not going to say this was the best week of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I survived the first week, didn't get lost, didn't cry. I was okay.

That's how it always works. God really is on our side more than we think. He really is with us every step of the way and working fervently in our favor.

To those who have anxiety: don't feel ashamed that you haven't put all of your trust in God. But think back on all of the things that you've made it through and how your heart is still beating and your eyes are still blinking and YOU ARE OKAY. Take everything one step at a time and know that you

1. Are NOT too much to handle
2. Will be okay
3. Are FAR FROM being alone
4. That God is with you every single step of the way holding your hand. 

I have a lot of trouble wrapping my mind around all of this and often hear the enemies lies telling me that I'm the only person who feels this way and that no one will ever love me because I'm so high maintenance, but I promise you that we will be and are already loved.

Truth always overcomes lies so repeat these out loud to yourself.

• I am loved by both God and those around me
• I am not too much to handle
• It's okay that I feel this way, there is nothing wrong with me. 
• I am perfect the way I am. 
• I am appreciated.
• I am understood and I am not alone. 

I am on the same journey as you along with so many others. We will all get through it. We all have to fight battles and this is ours, but we are strong enough to push through and we have the man upstairs to help us out and quiet our anxious minds. 

(LISTEN TO GOOD, GOOD FATHER BY HOUSEFIRES II it's really good for when you're hearing lies or feeling anxious)

Much love xoxo

Keep Your Eye Out For The Good

In a season of much doubt and questioning, God has proved that He's so present in my life. I touched on this a few days ago, but wow is He showing me that He's here through the people around me.

Today, unfortunately, I found out that my uncle has stage 4 lung cancer. My mom is having a really hard time with it, understandably of course, but when she broke down when she found out I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make her feel better so I just hugged her and made sure she kept breathing.

Today was one of my best friends' birthdays, well I mean I guess it's yesterday now, but we went out to dinner. There were eight of us in total, seven kids and our YoungLife leader which is one our best friends/motherly figures/role models.

Half way through dinner, Gabby (the friend whose birthday it was) said "Hey let's play a game. We're going to go through each person at the table and everyone is going to complement them."

Let me tell you, if you've never done this before, I highly suggest it. Things get real deep real fast.

But tonight, we were able to share the appreciate and admiration we have for each other and it really was such an amazing experience. God's love was there. It was so so present in each of the girls I was
with.

After this dinner, I'm left feeling like everything's going to be okay. Like all is well.

When I feel like He's not there and that things are going to shit, He comes through. He shows me I'm loved. He shows me I'm appreciated. He shows me I am helpful, kind, and making an impact on the lives around me.

God is so so good, all the time, even when we don't realize it.

Thanks for watching out for me, God, and for making sure I know the truth and thank you for putting people in my life that are more than willing to share it with me.

"You don't have to be silent in the midst of the storm, just know you're with the one that calms them." Chris Durso

Please, if you have the opportunity, keep my uncle in your prayers.

And if you have time, I strongly suggest checking out Gabby's blog ( chasing--light.blogspot.com ) all about her journey and the things she's learning along the way.

Thanks for reading and good night/morning. xo

The Past Is The Past For A Reason

There are a lot of times where I kind of put myself in the position to be hurting. I look at old pictures just so that my heart can break because things aren't the same anymore. I check people's accounts when I know I shouldn't. I mean I guess I deserve it, so I'm always left with a feeling of shame and disappointment in myself.

There are so many times where I think that the people who have left my life in the past will make me happier if they come back into it. It never works that way. I always end up feeling more lost, more incapable of being without them, more confused.

I consciously make the decision to look at the old pictures, to look at their twitters, etc., even though I know it's just going to leave me with hurt. It's almost like I crave to hurt because I want to know that whatever I experienced with these people by my side was real.

I don't need to do that, though, and neither do you, because I guarantee you every few days/weeks/months, you go back and look or think about things you know you shouldn't because it'll just hurt you. God took those people out of our lives for a reason. He doesn't want you to hurt. ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11) He has better plans for you without these people. They may have been holding you back, leading you on the wrong path and separating you from God.

We are better and deserve better than how these pictures, accounts, people make us feel. God gave us self control ("for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7) so it's not like we don't have what it takes to resist the urges to look.

When we feel like we need to check up on other people, we're trying to fill an empty spot with someone, when the only person who can fill it is God. When there's a void, turn to Him. Pray about it, listen to worship music*, turn to the community that pushes you towards God. You will find yourself much more joyful and complete. I promise you.

He loves you. He knows you deserve better. You are worth it.

"and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:19

"The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33:5

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

*If you need some good worship music artists to listen to, here's a start:

• Hillsong UNITED
• Elevation Worship
• Bethel Music
• All Sons and Daughters
• Jesus Culture
• HOUSEFIRES II
• Mosaic MSC
• Tow'rs

Look Around You

So, tonight I had YoungLife, which was really cool. We just kinda hung out for a little while and then went to go get frozen yogurt. After the majority of people left, my friend had to stay and wait for our leader to give her a ride home so a few of the guys and myself waited with her.

I can honestly say tonight was the best night I've had in a while. We sat and talked and laughed. I felt safe and cared about and those both mean so much to me.

Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and stress about starting college next week. I'm terrified of change and the unknown and I've been praying that God help calm my mind. I felt like nothing was happening because every day I've been waking up immediately feeling that burden.

God works in mysterious ways, though.

A lot of people say that they know God's real because of the way they crave something more than earthly things, or that it's just a fact and always has been for them, but for me, it's the people God surrounds me with.

Tonight was what I had been praying for. I felt at ease. I felt comforted.

Sometimes I get really caught up in myself. I go through periods of time where I feel down, I feel like God's not listening, and that's where I've been lately. But in all reality, all this time, God's been talking to me and comforting me through the people around me.

A couple of nights ago, my anxiety was really getting to me. I talked to my best friend about it (she also has anxiety that can get bad) and right before I fell asleep she texted me and said, "Always here! If you can't sleep or freak out in the middle of the night call me and I'll wake up. I get it Ash! You're not alone ever!" She was willing to sacrifice sleep for me. She's always been that way, she's willing to do anything to help me feel better. He shows me I'm not alone by giving me someone who understands what I feel and what I'm going through. I'm so so so lucky God gave me her, I wouldn't be where I am without her. I was at church the other day and the message was even about this. The pastor said, "We don't experience God's love the same without others. We can feel His embrace through others." The hugs she's given me, the advice she's given me, the willingness to sit with me whenever I'm in need is God working through her and comforting me through her.

Each of the people I sat with tonight or talked to at any point tonight were blessings sent from God. I needed to experience the love that I did tonight so badly and I'm so thankful for it. If any of you are reading this right now, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I needed a good laugh, comforting embraces, to realize that no matter what happens to me, I'm always going to have people to go through it with.

So if you feel like God's not paying attention to you and doesn't care anymore, reconsider and look to the people around you. And also consider that we have the ability to show others who God is by being there for them and loving them in return.

Feeling at a loss? Just take a look around you. God doesn't always speak to you in expected ways.

He always comes through, sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

"To truly experience God, you need to experience His people."

"He uses us to usher His grace."

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." John 17:20-21

You Are It

I make the mistake each and every day of believing societies standards of beauty.

When I get a pimple, I think I should hide in my room until it goes away because people will think I'm gross. When I notice that my pants fit a little tighter, I convince myself I don't need lunch. I weigh myself probably once a week and feel ashamed when it's gone up. When I'm having a bad hair day, I question why everything is wrong with me.

There are so many days where I'm embarrassed of my looks or my clothes. We're taught from such a young age that the more you look like Barbie, the more people will like you. Beauty comes only from the outside.

And lately, I've been trying really hard to get all of this out of my head and be confident in who I am.

I listened to a podcast not long ago that said, "Stop looking in the mirror for hours trying to fix what's not broken. When you look in the mirror, THAT is the standard of beauty." (Best podcast I've ever listened to. Search United High School Podcast and then find the one called Behind Enemy Lines)

You are the standard of beauty. Yes, you.

God called YOUR name no matter what the story that surrounds your birth is, you ARE NOT a mistake. You are one of God's masterpieces. YOU are a masterpiece.

So start acting like it. You're beautiful on the outside, you are worth so much more than you think. Wear your favorite outfit, leave your hair how you like it, put your favorite perfume on and strut your stuff like you were made to do.

The same way you look at other girls, wishing you looked like them, they're doing the same to you. You are created by the same God as the sunset, the flowers, the mountains, and yet you are still His greatest creation and it saddens Him to know that you are putting yourself down for the way you are. He created you to be exactly the way you are, perfect.

Treat yourself and view yourself how you would want your little sister to view herself.

Love you the way you are because there are so many people who love you the way you are. All of your little quirks, your fears, your bad hair days, your silly laugh, your ugly cry. They love you for all of it. And so does God.

It's a process, but I believe that together we can work towards confidence and self love. You have a choice every day to resist the lies that you aren't good enough, aren't pretty enough, aren't smart enough. It's a battle, but you have the power to win, especially with Him by your side.


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. " Psalm 139:14

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4


I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I Can Be Weak, You Can Be Weak, We're All Weak

We all have weaknesses, whether you want to admit it or not. It could be food, you could be quick to anger, you could be sensitive/emotional, it could be alcohol, boys, girls, trust issues, basically the list goes on and on.

To be honest, I think my weakness is my anxiety. I'm quick to have nervous breakdowns and sometimes the enemy makes me think that I'm all alone in it, that I'm just overreacting, that I really do have something to fear.

A lot of us tend to hide our weaknesses away. We tend to feel ashamed because of them. I mean who wants to be identified as weak, right?

But if you think about it, every single person on this entire earth has a weakness. Every single one.

A lot of the time we feel like God will be disappointed in us if He knows about our weak points, the things we give in to, the things we fear.

Hey, guess what?

That's all wrong.

Today's devotional speaks on this. It says, "Come to me when you are weak and weary... I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs up My compassion- My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been... Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

God wants you to bring your weaknesses to Him. He wants to embrace them and help you through them. He doesn't want you to be ashamed or hide away what you're fighting against.

The crazy thing too is that if you make yourself vulnerable enough to speak publicly about what you're going through, you could help so many people and save so many lives. There's this quote/post thing that says "Let your test be your testimony and let your mess become your message." Your weakness may be the same as another person's weakness and you have the ability to help them through it by being courageous and speaking about it.

One of my friends and I were talking yesterday about how every person pretty much at one point or another in their life goes through the same feelings and thoughts. Many are ashamed and keep it inside their head because they think they're alone, when in reality we all deal with it. We can help so many people by doing something as simple as sharing our stories and speaking truth into other. It is our responsibility to let others know that they're not alone. I think that"s what the devotional meant when it says, "Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow me to bless you richly through it." We feel more fulfilled and worthy when we use our lives to help others.

It's so important to surround yourself with people who want you to know the truth and are so willing to speak and repeat it to you as many times as you need and you're willing to that in return for them.

In summary, don't be ashamed of your weak points. Take them to God and ask for His help. Open up the parts of your life that are in the dark and let His light in on them.

You are not alone. You are strong enough to combat your weaknesses. You are loved. You are not an inconvenience. Be bold. Be courageous. Be vulnerable and share your story with others so that they may never feel alone.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

All You Need Is Love

One of the things that I struggle with the most is God's love. I mean, I know He loves me. He gave His son up for US. All of us, including myself. And I know He's been on my side working in my favor since before I was even a thought in my parents' head, but it's hard to FEEL like He loves me.

It's almost like when you feel starving and you finally start eating. Your mouth knows you're being fed but the food hasn't digested so your stomach thinks you're still in starving mode. My mind in this case would be my mouth and my heart would be my stomach. Maybe I just haven't processed it yet.

Last night at YoungLife, we went over the parable of the Prodigal Son (story of a son who asks for his inheritance to go to a more desirable far away land and once he gets there goes poor. He comes back home only to be welcomed by his father running out to meet him), which led us to discuss what our far away lands are or the things that are fighting to lead us off of the path with God.

Once we went around in a circle talking about what they were for each of us, one of the leaders said that part of the reason that girls choose paths without God is because they want to feel loved. So at the very end of the talk, the other leader prayed that us girls begin to feel God's love for us. We walked out of the room only to find one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen (Photo found below)

It's said that God's creation is His way of showing us He loves us so I was so mind blown.

He works in such amazing ways.

Then, today I was reading my devotional and it was also about His love. Yet another one of those crazy things. He seems to make everything line up.

It said, "Coming close to Me requires no great effort on your part; it is more like ceasing to resist the magnetic pull of My Love. Open yourself up to My loving Presence, so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you, so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge. This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced."

We're never going to understand how much He loves us, but what we can do is look at each beautiful creation, whether it be a sunset, an ocean, a friend who shows us what it's like to feel loved and remember that these are signs that He loves us. He's giving us things to be in awe over.

"Could God speak to me audibly if He wanted to? You bet, and I hope He does sometime; I'll let you know. Probably in a book called God Talked to Me. Until then, it seems that what God does most of the time when He has something to say is this... He doesn't pass us messages, instead He passes us each other." Love Does by Bob Goff

I'm working on trying to process all of this still and it's so so okay if you are, too. Try and pray that He shows you His love and He just might come through like he always does.

Love ya'll

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Becoming Love

I'm 18 years old. To be exact I've been alive for 6,598 days. I've traveled to four different states and one other country. I've come into contact with A LOT of people. I kind of wish I could know the exact amount.

A few months ago, I helped out at the San Diego Half Marathon. I mean, I didn't do much. I mostly picked up trash and got to talk to the people that finished the marathon. We got to hear about the training process, how many marathons some of the people had done, etc. There was even a guy who ran the entire marathon in a military uniform. He had pictures of people who had passed away in war on his back and it said "I'm running in memory of..." I'm a pretty shy person, but talking to these people amazed me. Each of them that finished the marathon had a different story, a different process that had gotten them there. I was mind blown.

It's crazy to wrap your head around the fact that each and every person you see has a full life story.

It's amazing that there are over seven billion different life stories. Each day is experienced differently by over seven billion people.

A lot of the time we get so caught up in ourselves and our stories that we forget that we're not the only ones. Have you ever come across a person that has such a bad attitude, you just want to shake them and tell them how annoying it is? I think we all have, but have you ever stopped to consider what happened in their lives that made them that way? We rarely do.

You never know what people have dealt with or what they're going through at that time. Just because they're keeping a mask of composure, doesn't mean they aren't feeling things inside. I know that when something is going on with me and I'm in a bad mood, the last thing that I want is for someone to shake me, to isolate me, to make me feel like there's something wrong with me.

SO IN SUMMARY: You never know what someone is going through. You never know what kinds of obstacles they had to overcome to get to where they are. You never know what kind of effect your actions could take on them. You never know what it takes to push them over the edge. Put yourselves in their shoes.

That's why it's so so important to spread love, to be understanding, to be patient, to smile at strangers, to positively affirm people.

We are loved by a God who will stop at nothing to prove it to us.

We have the opportunity every single day to further the kingdom by showing others what God's love and grace feels like. Take advantage of that opportunity. BECOME LOVE.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12)
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2)
"We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." (1 John 3:16)