I'm Here

The first panic attack I ever had was the summer after sixth grade. I was in Yosemite with my grandma and I was just about to take a shower when all of a sudden I got really nauseous, couldn't breathe, all I could see where flashing lights, I got really hot, and all I remember is everything going black and losing my balance. I fell to the ground, but not like I passed out because I didn't completely go limp, I just kind of fell over. I was fine after that. 

The next one that I remember was in eighth grade. I was on Christmas Break and my parents woke me up to go to my grandma's house which was where I would be staying for the day. I lived in these apartments and I remember walking down the hallway feeling like I couldn't get enough air. We got in the elevator and the flashing lights and nausea started yet again. My parents told me I turned yellow, which I guess freaked me out even more because when I got out of the elevator I threw up. 

I remember all throughout middle school, there would be nights where I would go to bed shaking. 

That elevator thing happened again over Thanksgiving Break of my freshman year of high school. 

A similar experience occurred my sophomore year where I had to leave school while in the middle of hanging out with my friends because I couldn't stop shaking and the smell of food made me gag. 

During my junior year of high school, a boy started messaging me and I couldn't stop shaking for about six hours.

I never knew what it was until last year, my senior year of high school. 

I never knew that these little episodes were a result of anxiety, which has just seemed to get worse over time. 

This past summer, I went to camp and at around two o clock in the morning a girl in the room next to us had a seizure. I remember the noise she was making. I remember the panic in everyone's voices and faces. I remember feeling like I was suffocating and having to pace the room because I literally could not sit down because I was shaking so bad. I never went back to bed that night because I was so scared of it happening again. 

About a month ago, I had a nightmare and I woke up at around one to find that the neighbors were having a party. I couldn't process that the noise was coming from the party so I started panicking. I couldn't breathe and I had to go lay with my parents. Thankfully, my friend was up and she helped calm me down. 

Now, each day consists of me having about ten minutes where I feel like I can't breathe at least four times, if I'm lucky. 

I used to be terrified of leaving my house. I would cancel the plans I had with people just because I was so nervous.

I have difficulty eating away from home. I hate being alone. I have to actually push myself to leave the house. I can't wake up to noise. I can't handle high stress situations. I can't cope with chaos. 

Honestly, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm so so lucky that a few of my friends are dealing with the same things so that we can get through it together, but it's absolutely terrifying. It's paralyzing. It's so so frustrating. And it often just leaves you feeling so hopeless. Like why am I living if this is what the rest of life is going to be like for me, and once it gets to that point my chest starts to hurt because it's so hard to understand that that is what I am thinking about. 

If you've never experienced anxiety, I guess I would say it's just this constant fear, weight, and overthinking that plagues you and of course there are ranges. Some people have it more difficult than others, but that's basically a general definition, or at least for the way mine is. 

SOO, I didn't write this for sympathy. I didn't write this for attention. I wrote this because I know how scary and isolated it can make you feel. I know how alone it seems like you are. And I'm just hoping that maybe one person reads this and understands and knows that there are people just like them. It's a struggle but we can walk it together. 

Also, I wanted to write this to make a statement that psychological things are real. They're scary. They're not just something you can snap out of and telling someone to just "stop freaking out" or to "stop thinking that way," DOES NOT HELP. It's going to be confusing, stressful, there are going to be moments where you feel completely hopeless being in a person's life who may have anxiety or depression. But, if you really love them, you won't just walk away. 

Here are some tips

1. Tell them you love them

2. Make sure they know they ARE NOT an inconvenience

3. Let them know that you are not going to leave their side until they feel better

4. Respect their wishes, whether it be them feeling like they want to stay home or whether it be them feeling unsafe. Just respect it. It's so defeating to be forced into something you're not comfortable doing. 

5. Tell them you're available ANYTIME to talk

6. Hugs are really nice

7. Back rubs are sometimes even better

8. Please, take it seriously and don't leave their side. Please. 

And lastly, I know how hard it can be trying to work on your relationship with God and struggle with anxiety at the same time. You're told that you don't trust Him enough. You're told you don't need medication because God can fix all your problems. (WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE MEDICINES? GOD CREATED THE PEOPLE THAT CREATED THE MEDICATION) Do not feel shame. Do not feel unworthy. You do what you need to do for yourself. 

You're not alone and if you're reading this and don't have anyone else who understands, I do and I'm always here to talk. 

XO Ashley