Life Update

I've been told for years that I should go to counseling/therapy/whatever you want to call it. When I was in seventh grade my mom made me an appointment and I cried until she promised me she'd cancel it. This happened again in ninth grade. This is me proudly announcing that I have finally made an appointment to start going. I'm honestly extremely terrified to have to share my feelings with someone I know nothing about, but once it's past that part I've heard it's super helpful.

ALSO, praying out loud makes me want to crawl into a hole or melt into a little puddle. Why? I have no idea. BUT, last night I prayed out loud and afterwards was told that's the most confident my friend and team leader for YoungLife has heard me pray. Makes me feel like I'm actually growing, ya know? Other people can always see how much progress we're making from an outside perspective but we're the same person so all we see is the behaviors that are still the same, the personality characteristics that are still the same, etc. It was really nice to feel like someone was proud of me for something small like that.

Today, I'm feeling quite a bit anxious knowing that I need to show up to that appointment, but I know that they're there to help me and that I'm not the only person who has been nervous before showing up. I'm just thankful that I have the ability and opportunity to do this because I know a lot of people are battling things inside their heads but can't afford it, aren't allowed to, etc.

Thanks for listening to my little update and I hope y'all have a wonderful day filled with lots of peace, laughter, and down time for yourselves!

What I Learned in the Muck

I grew up wishing I didn't have freckles, wishing I had darker hair, wishing I had nice eyebrows, wishing I was smarter, funnier, prettier, dressed nicer. There wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

Up until about 2 months ago, there wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

I had to go through a really rough patch to get to where I am. It was ugly, it was scary, and it was draining, but I'm here, now.

For a very long time, I did everything I could to make the people around me happy, I put so much of my energy into making sure they knew they were important to me. It was so rewarding at first, until I took so much out of myself loving others when it didn't feel like I was worthy or that anyone loved me.

That was definitely my rock bottom, but they always say that your mess becomes your message, so here I am, telling you about the one thing that I learned in the middle of the muck.

I read something on Pinterest about half way through the funk and it was specifically aimed at people who have anxiety and how everything is a battle. That each and everything you do throughout the day is a victory, whether it be as small as getting dressed in the morning or as large as going to a job interview. I read that you should reward yourself for these things because you're trying and you deserve it.You are a warrior. I am a warrior. So I began rewarding myself for the little things. I bought myself hot chocolate after finishing a psychology test, I bought myself a shirt online for taking in a job application, I watched 8 episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I registered for classes.

I began to treat myself like I was actually proud of myself. I began to treat myself like a friend. I started treating myself with patience, understanding, forgiveness. I remembered that I'm trying and that each day that I get out of bed and show up to where I need to be, I am winning. I am victorious. I am a fighter. I am special. I am worthy of praise and love.

This is the story of how I began to love myself for the frustrating, the ugly, the confusing. I'm only human, it was time I started treating myself like one.

And so should you. If you're exhausted and you feel like you can't anymore, if you're insecure, if you are lonely, scared, or angry, reward yourself for the little things you do. Getting out of bed, showing up to school, work, etc., finishing homework, making it through the day. Those are all victories. You are winning. You are fighting. You are a warrior. (And yes, I am talking to YOU.)

My Backpack of Heavy Things

I've always been one to feel like it's my job to fix everything. To fix all of the wrongs in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm a control freak and carrying those things on my shoulders, although unhealthy, is a comfortable place for it to be. That's where it's always been and I feel better being responsible for everything because then at least I feel like it'll get done. But then it extends to pieces of my life that I can't change.

A week or so ago, I was talking to my parents about how I wanted to get my life together and how I think we should all start eating healthy and start exercising, because I come from a family who isn't the healthiest. My dad then said, "Ashley, you're not going to like what I'm going to say next, but you can't save everyone." And that broke my heart. That's the moment I seriously realized how much stuff I carry. I feel like it's my job to fix everything all the time, because if I don't, then who will?

Today, I had a really helpful and comforting conversation with my good friend, Jackie (jackiehrndz.wordpress.com), in which I learned and was reminded of a lot. It's taken some time but I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to carry it all. There's a God who loves me enough to take the burden and who isn't disappointed with me when I am doubtful and have trouble handing it all over to Him.

I am so thankful for friends who love me and help guide me in times of craziness, confusion, hurt, because that's when I see how patient and present He is in my life.

Thank You, God, for wanting to carry my burdens and for loving me when I just can't give them over to You or have trouble trusting You. I pray that I lay them down and stop trying to pick them back up, because I can't fix them, only You can. Thank You for meeting me where I am every day and for giving me this crazy, but beautiful life to live. AMEN.

People Probably Think I'm Crazy

I have this irrational fear of being warm when it's cold outside. I rub my ears when I'm tired. I chew the insides of my mouth. I have this odd nervousness around food to where some days I can't sit at a dinner table because it makes me so uncomfortable. I shake a lot when I'm even the smallest bit of cold or when I'm nervous. I can't sleep without MY pillow. I pick my arms when I get stressed out and it leaves scabs sometimes. I repress my emotions often. 

These are all things about me that are 100% true and I know they're irrational and weird and some of them make me seem crazy, but they're real. 

We all have our own little quirks, fears, whatever you want to call them. We all deal with things differently and lately I've just realized how important it is to just let people be when they're having their moments. Being a psychology major, I'm learning how much EVERYTHING impacts the way we have developed and the way we think. We are all the way we are because of every single experience and every single person in our life, so it's not exactly a choice for us to be terrified of the ocean or to not don't deal with stress easily. 

Basically, what I'm saying is try to put yourself in others' shoes. When you see someone on the bus doing something you would consider weird, just shrug it off and let them be. Or when someone doesn't cope with things the same as you, if they don't feel the same emotions as you in a certain situation, understand that they are that way for a reason and they have the right to deal with things differently. Don't give them dirty looks, don't stare, don't question them. Just let them be because chances are, they don't want to feel or act that way either and you don't want to make them feel worse about. Understanding and patience goes a long way. Trust me. 

That's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately and wanted to get it out. 

Hope you all are having a wonderful day and that something really wonderful happens! 

Until next time!