Thoughts on Empathy

Over the past year or so, I've thought and thought about where we as a people are going wrong. Why there's so much hurt, hate, and disagreement. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind differing opinions. I'm more than open to hear other people's sides to see where they're coming from, and to let them know mine. With that being said, though, there are certain opinions that I just consider wrong. Believing that other races don't deserve equal opportunities, that women don't deserve the right to choose what happens to their bodies, that the LGBTQIA+ community is hated by God. I understand that not everyone agrees with me but these are are beliefs that I cannot accept or validate.

I've come to the conclusion that the ability to feel empathy is almost a talent these days. Or maybe it always has been, but I couldn't see it through my naive lenses. So many people are so stuck in their experiences, and don't know how to or don't want to try to think about anyone else's.

I had a little bit of a confrontation with a family member-ish (if that's what you want to call her). Of course, it was political, because that's what everything is these days. She was pro Trump, and I am against him and his beliefs, actions, and presidency. Amongst her speech aimed at converting me to Trump-ism, she made racial comments, misogynistic comments (which I did not see coming, because of her identity as a woman), and honestly, pieces of information that seemed to have come straight from The Onion (a satirical news site - http://www.theonion.com). And I looked at her, with tears in my eyes, unable to understand how someone could be so obsessed with her own life. That someone could be so closed minded to the experiences and feelings of others. I don't have the ability to look at someone who is different than me, and say that they don't matter just because of where they were born, who they were born as. I didn't do anything to earn the privileges that I have, so why should we treat people who didn't do anything to receive the opposite things like I'm any better.

It seems like just a select few people know how to place themselves in another's shoes. If you really think about the way that the world could change if more people just cared more about what other people's lives looked like, wars could be stopped, hate crimes prevented, and people actually feeling welcomed and loved as human beings, who deserve to be looked at as equals. Don't blindly follow someone just because of their position of power. Think before you speak. Love more than you hate.

Have a good night, friends. xoxo

I Don't Know The Answers

I wish I had the answers to all of the difficult questions in life. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how. I wish I knew the answers to the what if's. But I don't, and I won't, and chances are, you won't either. What I do know, is the muck sucks. 

We are in the final month of 2016, and I don't know about you, but 2016 has been rrooouuuugggghhhh. 

January was one of the roughest months of my life. In March, I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder, and was chose to begin medication for it. Depression continued to tear at me throughout the months, with self destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation. In August, my uncle passed away from brain cancer. Currently, my great grandpa has been given only a couple weeks and is under hospice care because he has pneumonia. This year has been completely exhausting, and it's been more difficult to watch the people around me get beaten down by circumstances over and over again. 

I am so very privileged, and have no problem admitting it. Which makes me think of all of the things those who don't have resources, a safe neighborhood, a mostly healthy family, must have dealt with over the past year. 

And this leads me to WHY? Why does everything have to be so freaking hard sometimes? Why have there been so many bumps in the road? Why do people get cancer or die of sickness when there are so many people that need them? 

And like I said, I don't have the answers. I don't know why or how or when things will get better. But, what I do know is that I have to believe that there's a bigger picture. That the God of the universe, who watched His son die a slow and painful death so that people like us could live, must have a purpose. That although life is filled with so much pain, it's also filled with so much simple beauty, and sometimes the former leads to the latter. 

God, remind me that you have my best interest at heart. That you love me and are proud of me. That things will be okay. And that no matter what, I have you, and I will always be yours and you, mine. Remind me that your plans are so so much bigger than I could understand and that my existence has purpose. Remind me that I'm safe with you in times where it feels like everything's crashing down. God, Dad, remind me constantly of your love. Thank you for your patience when I'm skeptical. Thank you for your understanding when I'm angry.  Thank you for meeting me where I'm at each and every da. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Ammmeeeeeennnnnn. 

it's a lot more complex and personal than we make it out to be

I follow Jesus. I believe in God. I hate to put a label or "religion" on it, so I just like to leave it at that.

Hearing that, I wonder what ideas you get about me. What you think I do in my free time, what the bio on my instagram looks like, etc. Funny enough, all of the things you think about me are actually most likely the opposite.

As I've said on this blog before, I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I'm currently in tough little bout.

I think the majority of Jesus followers on social media have good intentions. I believe that they want to motivate their friends to build the strongest relationship with God as possible, but often times these people don't take a moment to read their tweets, etc. to think about what others may be feeling.

I don't experience depression the way it is portrayed in movies and tv shows. I just have a lack of interest and little to no energy. I don't enjoy leaving the house and most of the time I can't think for long enough to stay on one train of thought for more than a few seconds. It's not laziness. It's not disinterest. That's why the moment I read something to the effect of it being my fault if my relationship with God isn't as good as I want it to be, it stuck with me and hurt quite a bit.

I'm going to be really vulnerable and real with you right now, and honestly, it's a little uncomfortable for me to admit this, but I am not in the strongest relationship with Him right now. I haven't been able to finish a prayer in a couple months and it's something that I feel I've been trained to be ashamed of.

This isn't something that I feel, but I do know. I do feel embarrassed of where I'm at but I know that I shouldn't be. I know this isn't my fault. I know that I am not my anxiety, I am not my depression. I am not who my mental issues make me out to be. A relationship with God is a lot more complex and personal than people make it out to be. I don't have the right to tell you what you need to do to feel close to Him, and you don't have the right to tell me. It depends on the person and unless we're sitting down to listen to another person tell us about where they're at, then we don't have the right to butt into how this person functions, what they're not doing enough of, what they're doing too much of. We're not them and we don't know what's going on inside or around them. Be more sensitive, keep this in mind. Relationships fluctuate. Sometimes you just have to sit through the low points, remembering that the highs are coming. It's only natural that your relationship will go up and down and that's between you and God. If there's one thing I know about Him, it's that He's understanding and meets you where you are. You don't need to feel ashamed.

today, tomorrow, and the next day

I think about tomorrow and it feels like I'm face to face with a mountain that I have yet to climb, or a giant that I have to fight off. I'd love to tell you that the medication and therapy are working. That things are just fine and dandy, better, more peaceful. I thought that saying that I needed help was the biggest obstacle, but I'm learning that it's going to be a never ending battle. That each day I'm going to have to push and push to get ready and show up to where I need to be. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't terrify me. That the thought of living like this for the rest of my life doesn't give me a knot in my stomach. That I didn't have to muster the courage to tell my mom that I'm sad tonight. That I didn't have to explain that I don't know why. That I didn't have to hear her remind me that I'm on medication so I shouldn't feel this way. It's terrifying because I had this impression that the moment I stepped out of my box, this would all go away.

But I'm here. And I'm breathing. And I have what it takes to keep on fighting today, and tomorrow, and the next day. So I will.

you

Dear you,

It's been a while but I still think of you all the time. I dream about you often, too.

I know times can be tough, and it can feel like the world is against you, but I want you to know that when it feels like everyone has forgotten the way you laugh and how your eyes get really small when you smile for real, I remember. I remember you. I remember your hugs and the way you dressed.

When it feels like the world is against you, for all I know it may be. But what i really need you to know is that while everything else is, i'm standing next to you.

When it feels like the world is against you, remember that your voice has helped to calm the storm in my head. Your hug has given me purpose. You have given me hope.



Keep hanging on.

Ya got a lot of fight left in ya, kid.

no shame

Some days, it's hard to get out of bed. It feels like your body weighs a thousand pounds and the outside world seems like a whirlwind that you want no part in.

Some days, it's hard to eat and it's hard to brush your teeth and it's hard to deal with other people.

I want you to know you have permission to take care of yourself. To take time for yourself. To sleep in when you can. To stay in bed when you don't have anywhere to be. To turn down invitations to hang out when you don't feel like it.

Some days are harder than others and there's no shame in that.

If the most productive thing you do today is get out of bed to go to the bathroom, that's still something to be proud of and no one else can tell you otherwise.

Keep going, even when everything inside of you is telling you to stop.

Don't lose your fight, kid. One day things will feel a little lighter.

Sincerely,
Barely left my bed today and that's okay.

Don't Lose Your Fight, Kid.

I got my second tattoo yesterday. It says "don't lose your fight, kid."

The generation my grandparents are from stems from a whole different set of beliefs than the one that I do. This is reflected in their beliefs and lack of filter in what they say. Of course I love them, but sometimes they don't know what shouldn't come out of their mouths and what should. My grandma has explicitly stated what she thinks about my tattoos. She seems to think I'm tainted and that even though she knows exactly who I am, that I have joined the group of rebellious, low-lifes that they were taught to categorize anyone with tattoos or piercings into. She still loves me and does the grandma thing where she feeds me and all that, but you can tell by her tone of voice when the topic comes up.

Today, I got into the car with her and she asked me if I had gone to get one because my mom had mentioned it to her. Excitedly, I showed her it. She read it very slowly and asked, "what does that mean?" with her specific tone of voice showing she didn't like it.

Although my tattoos may just seem like cliche things that I got just so I could say I have tattoos, they actually mean something to me. For the days I don't feel like getting out of bed and the weight of the world is too heavy, I will remember the time I wanted myself to never lose my fight enough to get it permanently placed on my body. My dad is always one to tell me that there's something special about me and that I have the ability to change the world. He never loses faith in me and constantly tells me to keep pushing forward. Don't lose your fight, kid, is something he'd say to me when I have no motivation left. But he knows what I have in me. He knows the strength and ambition I have. I want to remember on the dark days that no matter how little faith I have in me, he has an infinite amount more. That I have what it takes to get out of bed when I don't feel like it. To take on the day when it feels like to much. When I think I can't.

And to you, who is reading this, I want you to remember you have a lot more in you than you think. Don't lose your fight, kid.

Thank You For Today

If you asked me about my generalized anxiety, I'd tell you to fall down the stairs and memorize the dropping feeling in your stomach like it was your own face, staring back at you in the mirror.

If you asked me about my panic disorder, I'd tell you to picture being chained to a weight on the floor of a pool.

If you asked me about my mild major depressive disorder, I'd tell you I watched eight seasons of Grey's Anatomy and didn't get out of bed for anything besides the bathroom and food for almost all of winter break.

If you asked me about myself, I'd tell you I'm a whirl of emotion. I feel too little and too much, both at the same time. I'd tell you about my prescription meds that help dull that out a little. I'd tell you each individual story. I'd tell you how many hugs and words of encouragement I've received. I'd tell you that it's brought me so much closer to so many people and has shown me God's love, patience, and understanding in more ways that I could explain. I'd tell you about how big I smile when someone tells me I have helped them. That my story has made a difference in their lives. I'm an honest person and I feel that it's my job to tell you that you're not alone. You're not crazy. You feel what you feel and that's all that matters. That's what makes it real.

I'm here to tell you that your story, whether it be your mental health, your physical health, your past, etc., is helping someone else and the fact that you subscribed to all of today's problems, no matter how bad you didn't want to, has inspired someone else to stay. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love is the Movement

For a really long time, I've felt that I don't have a story. That because my life has looked perfect from the outside, I can't help anyone. I think most people that believe in God feel like they can't be used by Him, whether it be because they feel like their past was too messy, or in my case, not messy enough. Not that I'd ever hope to have a bad upbringing, but I just felt like I grew up in a normal household, my parents are still married, I've always had a place to live, so I don't have the right to say anything to anyone who has been through more.

I'm coming to realize, with great reminders from the people around me, that I don't need to have a crazy story to help people. I have a big enough heart and the ability to give people little reminders that they are enough. That it's okay to hurt for as long as you need to. That better days are coming, no matter how cliche that sounds.

I think it's so important to take advantage of the fact that we can make a person's day by saying one kind thing. By being there for them when they need it. By listening. By hugging. Because you could be the only person in their life willing to do that for them.

I just want to remind you that it doesn't take a crazy past to be used by God or to change a life. Whatever you want to call it. Love is all it takes. Just keep being there for people, giving words of encouragement, giving hugs, letting people know that they're not alone. That's all.

Stop Setting Yourself On Fire

I'm a lover, I don't do confrontation, and I feel things a lot more when they're happening to other people. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but I get a lot more overwhelmed, anxious, and upset when other people are upset because I know that I can't just fix it. I get nervous that I don't know where they're at and how much control over themselves they have. So basically, I try to do it all. I do everything that I can to surround them in all directions with love, support, encouragement, and the least amount of time alone possible.

I read a quote last night that has really been on my mind. It said, "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

There are certain people that I resent because I set myself on fire and they couldn't see that. They couldn't see that I was ruining myself to make sure they were okay. As soon as I was no longer of use to them, they dropped me and I didn't and still don't know how to get past that. I never gave myself permission to take care of myself and I guess that's my fault.

By no means am I saying don't be there for the people who need you, but make sure you're not burning yourself to ash while doing it. Take this quote as permission to take a step back and refresh yourself. You, too, are very important.

Life Update

I've been told for years that I should go to counseling/therapy/whatever you want to call it. When I was in seventh grade my mom made me an appointment and I cried until she promised me she'd cancel it. This happened again in ninth grade. This is me proudly announcing that I have finally made an appointment to start going. I'm honestly extremely terrified to have to share my feelings with someone I know nothing about, but once it's past that part I've heard it's super helpful.

ALSO, praying out loud makes me want to crawl into a hole or melt into a little puddle. Why? I have no idea. BUT, last night I prayed out loud and afterwards was told that's the most confident my friend and team leader for YoungLife has heard me pray. Makes me feel like I'm actually growing, ya know? Other people can always see how much progress we're making from an outside perspective but we're the same person so all we see is the behaviors that are still the same, the personality characteristics that are still the same, etc. It was really nice to feel like someone was proud of me for something small like that.

Today, I'm feeling quite a bit anxious knowing that I need to show up to that appointment, but I know that they're there to help me and that I'm not the only person who has been nervous before showing up. I'm just thankful that I have the ability and opportunity to do this because I know a lot of people are battling things inside their heads but can't afford it, aren't allowed to, etc.

Thanks for listening to my little update and I hope y'all have a wonderful day filled with lots of peace, laughter, and down time for yourselves!

What I Learned in the Muck

I grew up wishing I didn't have freckles, wishing I had darker hair, wishing I had nice eyebrows, wishing I was smarter, funnier, prettier, dressed nicer. There wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

Up until about 2 months ago, there wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

I had to go through a really rough patch to get to where I am. It was ugly, it was scary, and it was draining, but I'm here, now.

For a very long time, I did everything I could to make the people around me happy, I put so much of my energy into making sure they knew they were important to me. It was so rewarding at first, until I took so much out of myself loving others when it didn't feel like I was worthy or that anyone loved me.

That was definitely my rock bottom, but they always say that your mess becomes your message, so here I am, telling you about the one thing that I learned in the middle of the muck.

I read something on Pinterest about half way through the funk and it was specifically aimed at people who have anxiety and how everything is a battle. That each and everything you do throughout the day is a victory, whether it be as small as getting dressed in the morning or as large as going to a job interview. I read that you should reward yourself for these things because you're trying and you deserve it.You are a warrior. I am a warrior. So I began rewarding myself for the little things. I bought myself hot chocolate after finishing a psychology test, I bought myself a shirt online for taking in a job application, I watched 8 episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I registered for classes.

I began to treat myself like I was actually proud of myself. I began to treat myself like a friend. I started treating myself with patience, understanding, forgiveness. I remembered that I'm trying and that each day that I get out of bed and show up to where I need to be, I am winning. I am victorious. I am a fighter. I am special. I am worthy of praise and love.

This is the story of how I began to love myself for the frustrating, the ugly, the confusing. I'm only human, it was time I started treating myself like one.

And so should you. If you're exhausted and you feel like you can't anymore, if you're insecure, if you are lonely, scared, or angry, reward yourself for the little things you do. Getting out of bed, showing up to school, work, etc., finishing homework, making it through the day. Those are all victories. You are winning. You are fighting. You are a warrior. (And yes, I am talking to YOU.)

My Backpack of Heavy Things

I've always been one to feel like it's my job to fix everything. To fix all of the wrongs in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm a control freak and carrying those things on my shoulders, although unhealthy, is a comfortable place for it to be. That's where it's always been and I feel better being responsible for everything because then at least I feel like it'll get done. But then it extends to pieces of my life that I can't change.

A week or so ago, I was talking to my parents about how I wanted to get my life together and how I think we should all start eating healthy and start exercising, because I come from a family who isn't the healthiest. My dad then said, "Ashley, you're not going to like what I'm going to say next, but you can't save everyone." And that broke my heart. That's the moment I seriously realized how much stuff I carry. I feel like it's my job to fix everything all the time, because if I don't, then who will?

Today, I had a really helpful and comforting conversation with my good friend, Jackie (jackiehrndz.wordpress.com), in which I learned and was reminded of a lot. It's taken some time but I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to carry it all. There's a God who loves me enough to take the burden and who isn't disappointed with me when I am doubtful and have trouble handing it all over to Him.

I am so thankful for friends who love me and help guide me in times of craziness, confusion, hurt, because that's when I see how patient and present He is in my life.

Thank You, God, for wanting to carry my burdens and for loving me when I just can't give them over to You or have trouble trusting You. I pray that I lay them down and stop trying to pick them back up, because I can't fix them, only You can. Thank You for meeting me where I am every day and for giving me this crazy, but beautiful life to live. AMEN.

People Probably Think I'm Crazy

I have this irrational fear of being warm when it's cold outside. I rub my ears when I'm tired. I chew the insides of my mouth. I have this odd nervousness around food to where some days I can't sit at a dinner table because it makes me so uncomfortable. I shake a lot when I'm even the smallest bit of cold or when I'm nervous. I can't sleep without MY pillow. I pick my arms when I get stressed out and it leaves scabs sometimes. I repress my emotions often. 

These are all things about me that are 100% true and I know they're irrational and weird and some of them make me seem crazy, but they're real. 

We all have our own little quirks, fears, whatever you want to call them. We all deal with things differently and lately I've just realized how important it is to just let people be when they're having their moments. Being a psychology major, I'm learning how much EVERYTHING impacts the way we have developed and the way we think. We are all the way we are because of every single experience and every single person in our life, so it's not exactly a choice for us to be terrified of the ocean or to not don't deal with stress easily. 

Basically, what I'm saying is try to put yourself in others' shoes. When you see someone on the bus doing something you would consider weird, just shrug it off and let them be. Or when someone doesn't cope with things the same as you, if they don't feel the same emotions as you in a certain situation, understand that they are that way for a reason and they have the right to deal with things differently. Don't give them dirty looks, don't stare, don't question them. Just let them be because chances are, they don't want to feel or act that way either and you don't want to make them feel worse about. Understanding and patience goes a long way. Trust me. 

That's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately and wanted to get it out. 

Hope you all are having a wonderful day and that something really wonderful happens! 

Until next time! 

He is Patient

No matter how nice our clothes are, how on point our instagram feed is, whether or not we have the most recent iPhone (which are all things we seem to use to assess who a person is these days), we are all imperfect. We are broken, we are struggling with things whether they be big or small, we are longing for someone to understand. I will be the first to say that I am so ridiculously high maintenance and I have no idea how I have people in my life that actually want to stay there. I am imperfect.

Tonight, a conversation was had about fears. Again, I will be the first to say I am fearful of almost everything. Anxiety takes over 93% of my life.

But more importantly, we talked about how to bring our fears to God. We prayed. We opened up (only by choice, of course). And I was able to really sit in who God is.

God meets me where I am and is so so patient with me.

For those of you who aren't sure what you believe in or what you think of God (if you believe there is one), it probably sounds ridiculous. If you would've said that to my face a year ago, I probably would've done that laugh where you're laughing because the person you're talking to sounds crazy and you just don't really know how else to react.

For me, I learn more about who God is through friends and family. So the fact that I'm surrounded by people who love me and accept me and want to hear what I have to say and want to sit with me through all the muck in life, that's how I know who God is. I know He doesn't think I'm crazy for what I'm fearful of. He doesn't abandon me when times get rough. He cries when I cry and laughs when I laugh, because that's what my friends do. And my friends are God's vessels that show me how important I am and for that I will forever be grateful.

Thank You, God, for this beautiful life.

I'M DIFFERENT, YEAH I'M DIFFERENT

I'm a freshman in college, weird to say and it still hasn't hit me, but thats where I'm at. I've gone through high school and had my share of highs, lows, phases, crushes, etc. I think being out of high school has made it more obvious to me when people are just trying to fit in.

It's totally fine to stay with the trends, to wear those short boot things, to have that hair cut with the longer hair on top for the guys, to like rings, to enjoy listening to Drake or whoever. That's normal. But I feel like lately I've seen so many people that are clearly speaking the way they are or behaving the way they do because that's what they feel they have to do to fit in.

I don't know if you've heard this lately, but IT'S OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT. It's okay to not have any interest in drinking and partying, it's okay to not want to have a significant other, it's okay to enjoy different music than everyone else.

Peer pressure is so much different than they make it out to be. It's not people in your face saying "do this," or "do that." It's when everyone else is doing it and you feel that you have to do it, too. I'm 18, I've never drank, never smoked, never been to a party, never had a boyfriend. I'm not exactly the definition of cool, but I have friends. I have friends that care about me for who I am and support me in my choices. It's okay not to want to be part of the hype. If your friends don't support that, RUN. FAST. Friends are supposed to love you through your highs and lows. They're supposed to hug you when you need it. You're supposed to be able to laugh over stupid youtube videos with them and tell them your life story. If that's not the case, RUN.

You're not put on this earth to be just like everyone else. You're an individual. You have free will and choices. You can dress how you want, listen to what you want, talk to who you want, but please, please make sure it's what YOU want. Not what society tells you that you should want.