Anxious Minds

It's been quite a few days since I've posted!But I'm back!

So, I talked about this a lot in my recent posts, but on Monday I started my career as a college student as San Diego State University.

Ever since I was little, I really disliked going to school. I hated new school years and having to have new teachers. But mostly, I hated having to switch schools. So this was all of that put together.

Fun fact about me, I get really bad anxiety from just about everything. I've never been the most comfortable about leaving my house. I get really stressed out and nervous to go hang out with my friends, go to school, start new things, be places where I don't know many people. I get panic attacks where I have trouble breathing and start shaking. It's frustrating but over the last few years I guess I've started to understand it more and I know more about how to be okay.

I've had many people tell me and I've read that anxiety happens when you're not putting your trust in God and I almost take offense to that. That's probably the thing I've had the most trouble with on this journey so far, trusting Him. People talk about it like it's so easy and all you have to do is say the word.

Before I started school, I had people tell me to trust that things were going to be okay. That I'd have fun. That I'd make it through. But I couldn't believe it. I've been through the same things switching from middle school to junior high school and junior high school to high school and I know how much trouble I've had getting adjusted. For the first two weeks of seventh grade I came home every day and cried. For the first month of high school I cried every other day.

The thing about anxiety is that you always have this worry or thought in your mind that things are always going to take a turn for the worst. I don't know if it's because you want to feel prepared or what, but I've found that the majority of the time, I have this worst case scenario in my head and it almost never goes that way.

I had this thought that this week was going to be awful. I would get to school and want so badly to go home that I'd cry. That I wouldn't be able to handle the school work (which I have yet to get to). That I'd get lost. I had so much fear, but it didn't turn out like that. I'm not going to say this was the best week of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I survived the first week, didn't get lost, didn't cry. I was okay.

That's how it always works. God really is on our side more than we think. He really is with us every step of the way and working fervently in our favor.

To those who have anxiety: don't feel ashamed that you haven't put all of your trust in God. But think back on all of the things that you've made it through and how your heart is still beating and your eyes are still blinking and YOU ARE OKAY. Take everything one step at a time and know that you

1. Are NOT too much to handle
2. Will be okay
3. Are FAR FROM being alone
4. That God is with you every single step of the way holding your hand. 

I have a lot of trouble wrapping my mind around all of this and often hear the enemies lies telling me that I'm the only person who feels this way and that no one will ever love me because I'm so high maintenance, but I promise you that we will be and are already loved.

Truth always overcomes lies so repeat these out loud to yourself.

• I am loved by both God and those around me
• I am not too much to handle
• It's okay that I feel this way, there is nothing wrong with me. 
• I am perfect the way I am. 
• I am appreciated.
• I am understood and I am not alone. 

I am on the same journey as you along with so many others. We will all get through it. We all have to fight battles and this is ours, but we are strong enough to push through and we have the man upstairs to help us out and quiet our anxious minds. 

(LISTEN TO GOOD, GOOD FATHER BY HOUSEFIRES II it's really good for when you're hearing lies or feeling anxious)

Much love xoxo

Keep Your Eye Out For The Good

In a season of much doubt and questioning, God has proved that He's so present in my life. I touched on this a few days ago, but wow is He showing me that He's here through the people around me.

Today, unfortunately, I found out that my uncle has stage 4 lung cancer. My mom is having a really hard time with it, understandably of course, but when she broke down when she found out I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make her feel better so I just hugged her and made sure she kept breathing.

Today was one of my best friends' birthdays, well I mean I guess it's yesterday now, but we went out to dinner. There were eight of us in total, seven kids and our YoungLife leader which is one our best friends/motherly figures/role models.

Half way through dinner, Gabby (the friend whose birthday it was) said "Hey let's play a game. We're going to go through each person at the table and everyone is going to complement them."

Let me tell you, if you've never done this before, I highly suggest it. Things get real deep real fast.

But tonight, we were able to share the appreciate and admiration we have for each other and it really was such an amazing experience. God's love was there. It was so so present in each of the girls I was
with.

After this dinner, I'm left feeling like everything's going to be okay. Like all is well.

When I feel like He's not there and that things are going to shit, He comes through. He shows me I'm loved. He shows me I'm appreciated. He shows me I am helpful, kind, and making an impact on the lives around me.

God is so so good, all the time, even when we don't realize it.

Thanks for watching out for me, God, and for making sure I know the truth and thank you for putting people in my life that are more than willing to share it with me.

"You don't have to be silent in the midst of the storm, just know you're with the one that calms them." Chris Durso

Please, if you have the opportunity, keep my uncle in your prayers.

And if you have time, I strongly suggest checking out Gabby's blog ( chasing--light.blogspot.com ) all about her journey and the things she's learning along the way.

Thanks for reading and good night/morning. xo

The Past Is The Past For A Reason

There are a lot of times where I kind of put myself in the position to be hurting. I look at old pictures just so that my heart can break because things aren't the same anymore. I check people's accounts when I know I shouldn't. I mean I guess I deserve it, so I'm always left with a feeling of shame and disappointment in myself.

There are so many times where I think that the people who have left my life in the past will make me happier if they come back into it. It never works that way. I always end up feeling more lost, more incapable of being without them, more confused.

I consciously make the decision to look at the old pictures, to look at their twitters, etc., even though I know it's just going to leave me with hurt. It's almost like I crave to hurt because I want to know that whatever I experienced with these people by my side was real.

I don't need to do that, though, and neither do you, because I guarantee you every few days/weeks/months, you go back and look or think about things you know you shouldn't because it'll just hurt you. God took those people out of our lives for a reason. He doesn't want you to hurt. ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11) He has better plans for you without these people. They may have been holding you back, leading you on the wrong path and separating you from God.

We are better and deserve better than how these pictures, accounts, people make us feel. God gave us self control ("for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7) so it's not like we don't have what it takes to resist the urges to look.

When we feel like we need to check up on other people, we're trying to fill an empty spot with someone, when the only person who can fill it is God. When there's a void, turn to Him. Pray about it, listen to worship music*, turn to the community that pushes you towards God. You will find yourself much more joyful and complete. I promise you.

He loves you. He knows you deserve better. You are worth it.

"and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:19

"The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33:5

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

*If you need some good worship music artists to listen to, here's a start:

• Hillsong UNITED
• Elevation Worship
• Bethel Music
• All Sons and Daughters
• Jesus Culture
• HOUSEFIRES II
• Mosaic MSC
• Tow'rs

Look Around You

So, tonight I had YoungLife, which was really cool. We just kinda hung out for a little while and then went to go get frozen yogurt. After the majority of people left, my friend had to stay and wait for our leader to give her a ride home so a few of the guys and myself waited with her.

I can honestly say tonight was the best night I've had in a while. We sat and talked and laughed. I felt safe and cared about and those both mean so much to me.

Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and stress about starting college next week. I'm terrified of change and the unknown and I've been praying that God help calm my mind. I felt like nothing was happening because every day I've been waking up immediately feeling that burden.

God works in mysterious ways, though.

A lot of people say that they know God's real because of the way they crave something more than earthly things, or that it's just a fact and always has been for them, but for me, it's the people God surrounds me with.

Tonight was what I had been praying for. I felt at ease. I felt comforted.

Sometimes I get really caught up in myself. I go through periods of time where I feel down, I feel like God's not listening, and that's where I've been lately. But in all reality, all this time, God's been talking to me and comforting me through the people around me.

A couple of nights ago, my anxiety was really getting to me. I talked to my best friend about it (she also has anxiety that can get bad) and right before I fell asleep she texted me and said, "Always here! If you can't sleep or freak out in the middle of the night call me and I'll wake up. I get it Ash! You're not alone ever!" She was willing to sacrifice sleep for me. She's always been that way, she's willing to do anything to help me feel better. He shows me I'm not alone by giving me someone who understands what I feel and what I'm going through. I'm so so so lucky God gave me her, I wouldn't be where I am without her. I was at church the other day and the message was even about this. The pastor said, "We don't experience God's love the same without others. We can feel His embrace through others." The hugs she's given me, the advice she's given me, the willingness to sit with me whenever I'm in need is God working through her and comforting me through her.

Each of the people I sat with tonight or talked to at any point tonight were blessings sent from God. I needed to experience the love that I did tonight so badly and I'm so thankful for it. If any of you are reading this right now, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I needed a good laugh, comforting embraces, to realize that no matter what happens to me, I'm always going to have people to go through it with.

So if you feel like God's not paying attention to you and doesn't care anymore, reconsider and look to the people around you. And also consider that we have the ability to show others who God is by being there for them and loving them in return.

Feeling at a loss? Just take a look around you. God doesn't always speak to you in expected ways.

He always comes through, sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

"To truly experience God, you need to experience His people."

"He uses us to usher His grace."

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." John 17:20-21

You Are It

I make the mistake each and every day of believing societies standards of beauty.

When I get a pimple, I think I should hide in my room until it goes away because people will think I'm gross. When I notice that my pants fit a little tighter, I convince myself I don't need lunch. I weigh myself probably once a week and feel ashamed when it's gone up. When I'm having a bad hair day, I question why everything is wrong with me.

There are so many days where I'm embarrassed of my looks or my clothes. We're taught from such a young age that the more you look like Barbie, the more people will like you. Beauty comes only from the outside.

And lately, I've been trying really hard to get all of this out of my head and be confident in who I am.

I listened to a podcast not long ago that said, "Stop looking in the mirror for hours trying to fix what's not broken. When you look in the mirror, THAT is the standard of beauty." (Best podcast I've ever listened to. Search United High School Podcast and then find the one called Behind Enemy Lines)

You are the standard of beauty. Yes, you.

God called YOUR name no matter what the story that surrounds your birth is, you ARE NOT a mistake. You are one of God's masterpieces. YOU are a masterpiece.

So start acting like it. You're beautiful on the outside, you are worth so much more than you think. Wear your favorite outfit, leave your hair how you like it, put your favorite perfume on and strut your stuff like you were made to do.

The same way you look at other girls, wishing you looked like them, they're doing the same to you. You are created by the same God as the sunset, the flowers, the mountains, and yet you are still His greatest creation and it saddens Him to know that you are putting yourself down for the way you are. He created you to be exactly the way you are, perfect.

Treat yourself and view yourself how you would want your little sister to view herself.

Love you the way you are because there are so many people who love you the way you are. All of your little quirks, your fears, your bad hair days, your silly laugh, your ugly cry. They love you for all of it. And so does God.

It's a process, but I believe that together we can work towards confidence and self love. You have a choice every day to resist the lies that you aren't good enough, aren't pretty enough, aren't smart enough. It's a battle, but you have the power to win, especially with Him by your side.


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. " Psalm 139:14

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4


I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I Can Be Weak, You Can Be Weak, We're All Weak

We all have weaknesses, whether you want to admit it or not. It could be food, you could be quick to anger, you could be sensitive/emotional, it could be alcohol, boys, girls, trust issues, basically the list goes on and on.

To be honest, I think my weakness is my anxiety. I'm quick to have nervous breakdowns and sometimes the enemy makes me think that I'm all alone in it, that I'm just overreacting, that I really do have something to fear.

A lot of us tend to hide our weaknesses away. We tend to feel ashamed because of them. I mean who wants to be identified as weak, right?

But if you think about it, every single person on this entire earth has a weakness. Every single one.

A lot of the time we feel like God will be disappointed in us if He knows about our weak points, the things we give in to, the things we fear.

Hey, guess what?

That's all wrong.

Today's devotional speaks on this. It says, "Come to me when you are weak and weary... I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs up My compassion- My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been... Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

God wants you to bring your weaknesses to Him. He wants to embrace them and help you through them. He doesn't want you to be ashamed or hide away what you're fighting against.

The crazy thing too is that if you make yourself vulnerable enough to speak publicly about what you're going through, you could help so many people and save so many lives. There's this quote/post thing that says "Let your test be your testimony and let your mess become your message." Your weakness may be the same as another person's weakness and you have the ability to help them through it by being courageous and speaking about it.

One of my friends and I were talking yesterday about how every person pretty much at one point or another in their life goes through the same feelings and thoughts. Many are ashamed and keep it inside their head because they think they're alone, when in reality we all deal with it. We can help so many people by doing something as simple as sharing our stories and speaking truth into other. It is our responsibility to let others know that they're not alone. I think that"s what the devotional meant when it says, "Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow me to bless you richly through it." We feel more fulfilled and worthy when we use our lives to help others.

It's so important to surround yourself with people who want you to know the truth and are so willing to speak and repeat it to you as many times as you need and you're willing to that in return for them.

In summary, don't be ashamed of your weak points. Take them to God and ask for His help. Open up the parts of your life that are in the dark and let His light in on them.

You are not alone. You are strong enough to combat your weaknesses. You are loved. You are not an inconvenience. Be bold. Be courageous. Be vulnerable and share your story with others so that they may never feel alone.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

All You Need Is Love

One of the things that I struggle with the most is God's love. I mean, I know He loves me. He gave His son up for US. All of us, including myself. And I know He's been on my side working in my favor since before I was even a thought in my parents' head, but it's hard to FEEL like He loves me.

It's almost like when you feel starving and you finally start eating. Your mouth knows you're being fed but the food hasn't digested so your stomach thinks you're still in starving mode. My mind in this case would be my mouth and my heart would be my stomach. Maybe I just haven't processed it yet.

Last night at YoungLife, we went over the parable of the Prodigal Son (story of a son who asks for his inheritance to go to a more desirable far away land and once he gets there goes poor. He comes back home only to be welcomed by his father running out to meet him), which led us to discuss what our far away lands are or the things that are fighting to lead us off of the path with God.

Once we went around in a circle talking about what they were for each of us, one of the leaders said that part of the reason that girls choose paths without God is because they want to feel loved. So at the very end of the talk, the other leader prayed that us girls begin to feel God's love for us. We walked out of the room only to find one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen (Photo found below)

It's said that God's creation is His way of showing us He loves us so I was so mind blown.

He works in such amazing ways.

Then, today I was reading my devotional and it was also about His love. Yet another one of those crazy things. He seems to make everything line up.

It said, "Coming close to Me requires no great effort on your part; it is more like ceasing to resist the magnetic pull of My Love. Open yourself up to My loving Presence, so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you, so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge. This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced."

We're never going to understand how much He loves us, but what we can do is look at each beautiful creation, whether it be a sunset, an ocean, a friend who shows us what it's like to feel loved and remember that these are signs that He loves us. He's giving us things to be in awe over.

"Could God speak to me audibly if He wanted to? You bet, and I hope He does sometime; I'll let you know. Probably in a book called God Talked to Me. Until then, it seems that what God does most of the time when He has something to say is this... He doesn't pass us messages, instead He passes us each other." Love Does by Bob Goff

I'm working on trying to process all of this still and it's so so okay if you are, too. Try and pray that He shows you His love and He just might come through like he always does.

Love ya'll

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Becoming Love

I'm 18 years old. To be exact I've been alive for 6,598 days. I've traveled to four different states and one other country. I've come into contact with A LOT of people. I kind of wish I could know the exact amount.

A few months ago, I helped out at the San Diego Half Marathon. I mean, I didn't do much. I mostly picked up trash and got to talk to the people that finished the marathon. We got to hear about the training process, how many marathons some of the people had done, etc. There was even a guy who ran the entire marathon in a military uniform. He had pictures of people who had passed away in war on his back and it said "I'm running in memory of..." I'm a pretty shy person, but talking to these people amazed me. Each of them that finished the marathon had a different story, a different process that had gotten them there. I was mind blown.

It's crazy to wrap your head around the fact that each and every person you see has a full life story.

It's amazing that there are over seven billion different life stories. Each day is experienced differently by over seven billion people.

A lot of the time we get so caught up in ourselves and our stories that we forget that we're not the only ones. Have you ever come across a person that has such a bad attitude, you just want to shake them and tell them how annoying it is? I think we all have, but have you ever stopped to consider what happened in their lives that made them that way? We rarely do.

You never know what people have dealt with or what they're going through at that time. Just because they're keeping a mask of composure, doesn't mean they aren't feeling things inside. I know that when something is going on with me and I'm in a bad mood, the last thing that I want is for someone to shake me, to isolate me, to make me feel like there's something wrong with me.

SO IN SUMMARY: You never know what someone is going through. You never know what kinds of obstacles they had to overcome to get to where they are. You never know what kind of effect your actions could take on them. You never know what it takes to push them over the edge. Put yourselves in their shoes.

That's why it's so so important to spread love, to be understanding, to be patient, to smile at strangers, to positively affirm people.

We are loved by a God who will stop at nothing to prove it to us.

We have the opportunity every single day to further the kingdom by showing others what God's love and grace feels like. Take advantage of that opportunity. BECOME LOVE.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12)
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2)
"We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." (1 John 3:16)