PSA: You Are In Fact Allowed To Be Proud Of Yourself

Dear wonderful humans reading this:

You are wonderful. You are loved. You are appreciated. You are deeply cared for. At times it doesn't feel like it, I know, but you are.

And since you are human, you will go through things. Little things, really big things. There are going to be days where you just aren't feeling it and you just feel like calling in sick to life in general. There are going to be days when the trials overpower the joys and that's okay. There are going to be days where you're anxious about everything and that's okay. There are going to be days where you can't do it and THAT'S OKAY.

On these days, we often hate ourselves for feeling the way we do. We hate the situation. We hate all of it. We want to give up. We feel like we can't do it. That's okay, too. But, here's something that's helped me during times like that:

Treat everything you do as a victory. Celebrate. Treat yourself with ice cream or a new shirt.

You got out of bed this morning? Good job! Be proud of yourself because you could've just let life defeat you in that moment. You were victorious.

You showed up to school or work? That's so awesome! Some days that takes courage and bravery and YOU DID IT.

You ate food? I know when I'm upset or anxious I don't like to eat. Sometimes just making sure you have had a meal for the day IS A BIG DEAL! Take pride in that!

You spoke to people when you didn't feel like it, you didn't cry, you ordered your dinner, you reached out to someone because you weren't feeling good, you finished your homework, you survived the day? You should be so unbelievably proud of yourself.

Every single thing you do on a day where it feels like you can't, THAT is a victory. You moving forward is a win. Sometimes this life seems like it just wants to knock you down. To make sure you don't make progress. To make you feel alone. But each and every time you get up when you feel like you can't, each time you take on the day, you are winning. You are winning.

You have won. Be proud of yourself.

James 1: 2-8
"Even When It Hurts" - Hillsong

Ears Are For Listening

Sometimes, life sucks. A lot. And the days drag by and people treat you poorly and you have to fight to get out of bed.

Sometimes, things are going to hurt. A lot. People aren't going to care what you have to say. They're going to press your buttons. They're going to overreact. They're going to disrespect you. They're going to get mad at you for doing the same things they did to you. And it's going to hurt.

Sometimes, you're going to be nervous. You're going to be terrified of people. Of school. Of work. Of life itself and it's going to be tough.

But we're also going to have good days. We're going to smile and cry tears of laughter and eat good ice cream with people we want to be with.

And my absolute favorite thing about this life is that we have the creator of the universe on our side. He is on our side, fighting with us, holding our hand every step of the way. That is an unchanging fact. No matter what.

Today was a really rough day for me. Like one of the most rough days of my life, and unfortunately I'm going to probably have a lot more like these, but it's okay. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be frustrated. For some reason, this society has trained us to think we always have to be the most put together person. We always have to be happy, we always have to love this life.

But we don't.

People put up this façade that they're always happy. They put up Instagram pictures from their latest adventure with big smiles in the prettiest places, but no one knows what goes on all the other times.

WE ARE HUMAN and we have emotions and we have every right to feel them (EVEN YOU, BOYS). There aren't always answers and sometimes we just have to sit through the pain. But there are over 7 billion people on this earth and there are over 7 billion stories. Odds are, there is at least one person near you that can relate to your story, your bad day, or is just willing to listen. Reach out to that person. Don't hear the lies that you're a bother. You're not. You're far from it. You are a person of a community, a city, a state, a country, and a planet and you deserve to be heard.

Now be heard.

Sorry, It's Been a While

I'm 18 years old and oddly enough I don't remember much from before about 9 months ago. That's when everything changed for me, so I guess there isn't much a reason to remember it. 

But, 9 months ago was when this journey started for me. The day I set foot into YoungLife after months of denying was purely a miracle from God.

Now, this is something that I've spent a few weeks thinking about. 

I'm in a very very strange stage in my life. Nothing really makes much sense, old things are coming back to haunt me, I kind of just feel like I'm floating through everything. Supposedly it's called the "I Don't Know Phase" because if you were to ask me how I was, I wouldn't know how to answer because I really don't know. This piece of my life has caused me to think a lot about my life. A lot about where I've been putting my trust, my happiness, my identity. And in all honesty, it hasn't been in God. It's been in my friends, in my schoolwork, in my Instagram feed (as pathetic as it sounds), and by how many people seem to enjoy me being around and those things always always always fail me. They always leaving me feeling stupid, unworthy, and hopeless. 

This is what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days:

I want this so bad. I want to wholeheartedly pursue God. I don't want to keep it in anymore. I want people to know that's where my joy comes from, where my love comes from, where my hope comes from. I want to live this life for Him. I want to understand that His plan is much greater than mine and follow it with no complaints. 

We are loved by the creator of entire freaking universe, guys. He chose us. None of this is a coincidence. Every single obstacle that we've overcome has led us to this place. No matter how much pain it's caused, I wouldn't change it for the world, because it's brought me to now. 

God, you have changed everything for me. Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. For these beautiful people. Thank you for loving me no matter what. For never making me feel like an inconvenience. For never leaving my side no matter the circumstance. Thank you for loving me 100 buckets, all the time, no matter what. 

Mali-DO IT? (pun credit to Jackie Hernandez)

There's this thing called Beyond Malibu. It's through YoungLife and I'm not going to pretend like I know a ton about it because I don't. All I know is that it's about a week of backpacking through mountains in Canada. And I need to do it.

Some background about me, I get nervous to leave for weekend retreats when I'm allowed to have my phone.

So, how am I supposed to be able to GO A WEEK IN THE WILDERNESS TYPE STUFF?

I don't have any idea. But what I do know is that since the day I heard about it, I wanted it. And tonight a video and an opportunity were both put in front of me and my heart started beating. My leader always says that when her heart starts beating she knows she needs to do something.

I feel a really strong pull towards this. And I mean I've never experienced it before, but I think this is what it feels like when God wants us to do something.

I'm scared, actually terrified is a better word, but it's His will not mine. He knows me better than I know myself, so while I'm sitting here teetering between yes and no for me having the ability to get through it, He's just chillin there waiting for me to shut up and just say yes. I deserve this for myself. All I have to do is say yes. Maybe acquire a passport and a way there, but all I really have to do is say this is what I want for myself.

And put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. He knows exactly what He's doing and where my path leads me and although its so freaking scary, I'm walking by faith and not by sight.

I'm Here

The first panic attack I ever had was the summer after sixth grade. I was in Yosemite with my grandma and I was just about to take a shower when all of a sudden I got really nauseous, couldn't breathe, all I could see where flashing lights, I got really hot, and all I remember is everything going black and losing my balance. I fell to the ground, but not like I passed out because I didn't completely go limp, I just kind of fell over. I was fine after that. 

The next one that I remember was in eighth grade. I was on Christmas Break and my parents woke me up to go to my grandma's house which was where I would be staying for the day. I lived in these apartments and I remember walking down the hallway feeling like I couldn't get enough air. We got in the elevator and the flashing lights and nausea started yet again. My parents told me I turned yellow, which I guess freaked me out even more because when I got out of the elevator I threw up. 

I remember all throughout middle school, there would be nights where I would go to bed shaking. 

That elevator thing happened again over Thanksgiving Break of my freshman year of high school. 

A similar experience occurred my sophomore year where I had to leave school while in the middle of hanging out with my friends because I couldn't stop shaking and the smell of food made me gag. 

During my junior year of high school, a boy started messaging me and I couldn't stop shaking for about six hours.

I never knew what it was until last year, my senior year of high school. 

I never knew that these little episodes were a result of anxiety, which has just seemed to get worse over time. 

This past summer, I went to camp and at around two o clock in the morning a girl in the room next to us had a seizure. I remember the noise she was making. I remember the panic in everyone's voices and faces. I remember feeling like I was suffocating and having to pace the room because I literally could not sit down because I was shaking so bad. I never went back to bed that night because I was so scared of it happening again. 

About a month ago, I had a nightmare and I woke up at around one to find that the neighbors were having a party. I couldn't process that the noise was coming from the party so I started panicking. I couldn't breathe and I had to go lay with my parents. Thankfully, my friend was up and she helped calm me down. 

Now, each day consists of me having about ten minutes where I feel like I can't breathe at least four times, if I'm lucky. 

I used to be terrified of leaving my house. I would cancel the plans I had with people just because I was so nervous.

I have difficulty eating away from home. I hate being alone. I have to actually push myself to leave the house. I can't wake up to noise. I can't handle high stress situations. I can't cope with chaos. 

Honestly, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm so so lucky that a few of my friends are dealing with the same things so that we can get through it together, but it's absolutely terrifying. It's paralyzing. It's so so frustrating. And it often just leaves you feeling so hopeless. Like why am I living if this is what the rest of life is going to be like for me, and once it gets to that point my chest starts to hurt because it's so hard to understand that that is what I am thinking about. 

If you've never experienced anxiety, I guess I would say it's just this constant fear, weight, and overthinking that plagues you and of course there are ranges. Some people have it more difficult than others, but that's basically a general definition, or at least for the way mine is. 

SOO, I didn't write this for sympathy. I didn't write this for attention. I wrote this because I know how scary and isolated it can make you feel. I know how alone it seems like you are. And I'm just hoping that maybe one person reads this and understands and knows that there are people just like them. It's a struggle but we can walk it together. 

Also, I wanted to write this to make a statement that psychological things are real. They're scary. They're not just something you can snap out of and telling someone to just "stop freaking out" or to "stop thinking that way," DOES NOT HELP. It's going to be confusing, stressful, there are going to be moments where you feel completely hopeless being in a person's life who may have anxiety or depression. But, if you really love them, you won't just walk away. 

Here are some tips

1. Tell them you love them

2. Make sure they know they ARE NOT an inconvenience

3. Let them know that you are not going to leave their side until they feel better

4. Respect their wishes, whether it be them feeling like they want to stay home or whether it be them feeling unsafe. Just respect it. It's so defeating to be forced into something you're not comfortable doing. 

5. Tell them you're available ANYTIME to talk

6. Hugs are really nice

7. Back rubs are sometimes even better

8. Please, take it seriously and don't leave their side. Please. 

And lastly, I know how hard it can be trying to work on your relationship with God and struggle with anxiety at the same time. You're told that you don't trust Him enough. You're told you don't need medication because God can fix all your problems. (WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE MEDICINES? GOD CREATED THE PEOPLE THAT CREATED THE MEDICATION) Do not feel shame. Do not feel unworthy. You do what you need to do for yourself. 

You're not alone and if you're reading this and don't have anyone else who understands, I do and I'm always here to talk. 

XO Ashley 

Letter to the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup from the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup

So often, we focus on the things going on in our lives. I know that every single post on here has been about how to get through something yourself, but that's about to change. Chances are you have some friends or at least some family. They're going to go through some things and that's okay, but we don't always know what it takes from us for them to get through it. I was in church one day and the pastor was talking about friends and how your true friend is not who is running to you when you are hurting but who YOU are running towards when THEY are going through something. It's not about what you get in return, it's about giving and loving freely and wholly, without expectation of anything.

So.... here's my letter from me, the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup to you (maybe), the friend of a girl who just went through a breakup.

You're going to want to buy some Kleenex and unlimited text messaging if you don't already have it. You're going to want to get your priorities straight. You're going to want to figure out whether this friend likes back rubs or hugs better. You're going to want to turn your phone off of do not disturb so you never miss a text message from them. You're going to want to find out whether it's ice cream or french fries that work best. In addition, never leave to go anywhere without your phone, you don't want to risk it. Tell them that they can call you WHENEVER they need to, whether it be two in the afternoon or two in the morning. You're going to want to tell them that they ARE NOT a bother and that you're not going to get annoyed with them talking about the same things over and over again. You're going to want to find a positive outlet for yourself when it gets to be a lot. You're going to want to make sure that you get them out of their house, but also pay attention to whether or not they have anxiety so you know if you should do a calm, low-key hang out or go out and adventure. Try to allow them to be alone for the least amount of time possible. You're going to want to repeat I love you as many times as you can. You're going to want to tell them that God has a bigger and better plan for them. You're going to want to come up with some really cool metaphor as to how they are making progress. You're going to want to tell them how proud of them you are no matter what decisions they make, how many times they slip up and text the boy, and no matter what the coping mechanism (but if it's an unhealthy one, try to lead them to a better one).

You're going to want to rip your hair out. You're going to want to cry along with them. You're going to question whether or not the things you're doing are working. You're going to have hopeless days. You're going to question whether you ever want to have a boyfriend or get married. You're going to need patience.

You're going to learn a lot. You're going to become closer with your friend than you ever thought you could. You're going to see more tears shed than you thought you could. And you're going to make a difference with each and every positive word you say. It's going to change your life. A lot. You're going to grow. But it's going to be worth it because if you're anything like me, you love your friends. You love them almost more than life itself and are willing to do anything for them. You're going to realize how protective you are. You're going to surprise yourself when your advice is more on point than you expected. You want nothing but the best for them. You're going to absolutely hate seeing them shattered and broken and you're going to have a slight hatred for the person that caused this, but one day, when everything's looking up, you're going to be thankful for this experience. Even though you think you never could right now. You're going to realize that sisters aren't always related by blood. You're going to know what real love and appreciation is. What loyalty feels like. And one day, if that's how things are meant to be, when you're hurting they'll be there for you the same way you have been for them.

Now stop reading this, go cry with that girl and tell her you love her. Tell her that you'll be with her every single step of the way. And not because you have to, but because YOU WANT TO.

Remember to keep YOUR head up as well. The tears and hugs will pay off. I promise.

xoxo, The girl who loves her best friends more than they'll ever know.

It's okay.

Today was one of the worst days I've had in a really long time.

I'm in one of those seasons of my life that's just straight up rough.

I'm hearing so many lies about who I am and what I mean to others. I know what God says about me but those just seem like empty words and the lies seem so so real.

I'm lost, confused, scared, hurting, and I have no idea where I'm going next.

What happened? You may be wondering and the funny thing is I've been asking myself and God the same exact question. Nothing happened. But it feels as if my entire world has been shaken.

My anxiety has been awful because I'm so scared for the future. I'm scared of leaving my house. I'm scared of eating. I'm scared of asking myself who I really have right now because it seems like everyone is walking away.

I'm hurting because I feel like there's a solid two people in my life that actually care about how I feel and have been running towards me in this time. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

John 13:7, "Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'"

That is honestly the only thing holding me together right now.

I learned this past weekend that it's okay to be going through a tough time. Most people are. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be completely shattered. It's okay to just cry and cry and cry. You're not pathetic or seeking attention for reaching out to others for help. It's okay to need a friend to just sit with you, not say anything but just hug you. Isolation can be the worst thing in these times, that's when the enemy attacks.

Even if you have no one to talk to right now, know that you're not alone. There are so many people going through the same thing or something similar. There are so many people who are shattered right now.

Don't think that just because you have a relationship with God, you have to put up a mask that you're okay all the time.

Pray when you can, even though I know it's difficult to figure out what to say to Him.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel without purpose.

These are things that I have to tell myself day after day and still continue to try to accept but

1. YOU ARE LOVED
2. YOU BELONG
3. YOU WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THIS
4. YOU ARE ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON
5. YOU HAVE MADE AN IMPACT JUST BY BEING BORN
6. IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. There's nothing wrong with you.