Sorry, It's Been a While

I'm 18 years old and oddly enough I don't remember much from before about 9 months ago. That's when everything changed for me, so I guess there isn't much a reason to remember it. 

But, 9 months ago was when this journey started for me. The day I set foot into YoungLife after months of denying was purely a miracle from God.

Now, this is something that I've spent a few weeks thinking about. 

I'm in a very very strange stage in my life. Nothing really makes much sense, old things are coming back to haunt me, I kind of just feel like I'm floating through everything. Supposedly it's called the "I Don't Know Phase" because if you were to ask me how I was, I wouldn't know how to answer because I really don't know. This piece of my life has caused me to think a lot about my life. A lot about where I've been putting my trust, my happiness, my identity. And in all honesty, it hasn't been in God. It's been in my friends, in my schoolwork, in my Instagram feed (as pathetic as it sounds), and by how many people seem to enjoy me being around and those things always always always fail me. They always leaving me feeling stupid, unworthy, and hopeless. 

This is what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days:

I want this so bad. I want to wholeheartedly pursue God. I don't want to keep it in anymore. I want people to know that's where my joy comes from, where my love comes from, where my hope comes from. I want to live this life for Him. I want to understand that His plan is much greater than mine and follow it with no complaints. 

We are loved by the creator of entire freaking universe, guys. He chose us. None of this is a coincidence. Every single obstacle that we've overcome has led us to this place. No matter how much pain it's caused, I wouldn't change it for the world, because it's brought me to now. 

God, you have changed everything for me. Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. For these beautiful people. Thank you for loving me no matter what. For never making me feel like an inconvenience. For never leaving my side no matter the circumstance. Thank you for loving me 100 buckets, all the time, no matter what.