So, I talked about this a lot in my recent posts, but on Monday I started my career as a college student as San Diego State University.
Ever since I was little, I really disliked going to school. I hated new school years and having to have new teachers. But mostly, I hated having to switch schools. So this was all of that put together.
Fun fact about me, I get really bad anxiety from just about everything. I've never been the most comfortable about leaving my house. I get really stressed out and nervous to go hang out with my friends, go to school, start new things, be places where I don't know many people. I get panic attacks where I have trouble breathing and start shaking. It's frustrating but over the last few years I guess I've started to understand it more and I know more about how to be okay.
I've had many people tell me and I've read that anxiety happens when you're not putting your trust in God and I almost take offense to that. That's probably the thing I've had the most trouble with on this journey so far, trusting Him. People talk about it like it's so easy and all you have to do is say the word.
Before I started school, I had people tell me to trust that things were going to be okay. That I'd have fun. That I'd make it through. But I couldn't believe it. I've been through the same things switching from middle school to junior high school and junior high school to high school and I know how much trouble I've had getting adjusted. For the first two weeks of seventh grade I came home every day and cried. For the first month of high school I cried every other day.
The thing about anxiety is that you always have this worry or thought in your mind that things are always going to take a turn for the worst. I don't know if it's because you want to feel prepared or what, but I've found that the majority of the time, I have this worst case scenario in my head and it almost never goes that way.
I had this thought that this week was going to be awful. I would get to school and want so badly to go home that I'd cry. That I wouldn't be able to handle the school work (which I have yet to get to). That I'd get lost. I had so much fear, but it didn't turn out like that. I'm not going to say this was the best week of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I survived the first week, didn't get lost, didn't cry. I was okay.
That's how it always works. God really is on our side more than we think. He really is with us every step of the way and working fervently in our favor.
To those who have anxiety: don't feel ashamed that you haven't put all of your trust in God. But think back on all of the things that you've made it through and how your heart is still beating and your eyes are still blinking and YOU ARE OKAY. Take everything one step at a time and know that you
1. Are NOT too much to handle
2. Will be okay
3. Are FAR FROM being alone
4. That God is with you every single step of the way holding your hand.
I have a lot of trouble wrapping my mind around all of this and often hear the enemies lies telling me that I'm the only person who feels this way and that no one will ever love me because I'm so high maintenance, but I promise you that we will be and are already loved.
Truth always overcomes lies so repeat these out loud to yourself.
- I am loved by both God and those around me
- I am not too much to handle
- It's okay that I feel this way, there is nothing wrong with me.
- I am perfect the way I am.
- I am appreciated.
- I am understood and I am not alone.
I am on the same journey as you along with so many others. We will all get through it. We all have to fight battles and this is ours, but we are strong enough to push through and we have the man upstairs to help us out and quiet our anxious minds.
(LISTEN TO GOOD, GOOD FATHER BY HOUSEFIRES II it's really good for when you're hearing lies or feeling anxious)
Much love xoxo
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