What I Learned in the Muck

I grew up wishing I didn't have freckles, wishing I had darker hair, wishing I had nice eyebrows, wishing I was smarter, funnier, prettier, dressed nicer. There wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

Up until about 2 months ago, there wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

I had to go through a really rough patch to get to where I am. It was ugly, it was scary, and it was draining, but I'm here, now.

For a very long time, I did everything I could to make the people around me happy, I put so much of my energy into making sure they knew they were important to me. It was so rewarding at first, until I took so much out of myself loving others when it didn't feel like I was worthy or that anyone loved me.

That was definitely my rock bottom, but they always say that your mess becomes your message, so here I am, telling you about the one thing that I learned in the middle of the muck.

I read something on Pinterest about half way through the funk and it was specifically aimed at people who have anxiety and how everything is a battle. That each and everything you do throughout the day is a victory, whether it be as small as getting dressed in the morning or as large as going to a job interview. I read that you should reward yourself for these things because you're trying and you deserve it.You are a warrior. I am a warrior. So I began rewarding myself for the little things. I bought myself hot chocolate after finishing a psychology test, I bought myself a shirt online for taking in a job application, I watched 8 episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I registered for classes.

I began to treat myself like I was actually proud of myself. I began to treat myself like a friend. I started treating myself with patience, understanding, forgiveness. I remembered that I'm trying and that each day that I get out of bed and show up to where I need to be, I am winning. I am victorious. I am a fighter. I am special. I am worthy of praise and love.

This is the story of how I began to love myself for the frustrating, the ugly, the confusing. I'm only human, it was time I started treating myself like one.

And so should you. If you're exhausted and you feel like you can't anymore, if you're insecure, if you are lonely, scared, or angry, reward yourself for the little things you do. Getting out of bed, showing up to school, work, etc., finishing homework, making it through the day. Those are all victories. You are winning. You are fighting. You are a warrior. (And yes, I am talking to YOU.)