it's a lot more complex and personal than we make it out to be

I follow Jesus. I believe in God. I hate to put a label or "religion" on it, so I just like to leave it at that.

Hearing that, I wonder what ideas you get about me. What you think I do in my free time, what the bio on my instagram looks like, etc. Funny enough, all of the things you think about me are actually most likely the opposite.

As I've said on this blog before, I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I'm currently in tough little bout.

I think the majority of Jesus followers on social media have good intentions. I believe that they want to motivate their friends to build the strongest relationship with God as possible, but often times these people don't take a moment to read their tweets, etc. to think about what others may be feeling.

I don't experience depression the way it is portrayed in movies and tv shows. I just have a lack of interest and little to no energy. I don't enjoy leaving the house and most of the time I can't think for long enough to stay on one train of thought for more than a few seconds. It's not laziness. It's not disinterest. That's why the moment I read something to the effect of it being my fault if my relationship with God isn't as good as I want it to be, it stuck with me and hurt quite a bit.

I'm going to be really vulnerable and real with you right now, and honestly, it's a little uncomfortable for me to admit this, but I am not in the strongest relationship with Him right now. I haven't been able to finish a prayer in a couple months and it's something that I feel I've been trained to be ashamed of.

This isn't something that I feel, but I do know. I do feel embarrassed of where I'm at but I know that I shouldn't be. I know this isn't my fault. I know that I am not my anxiety, I am not my depression. I am not who my mental issues make me out to be. A relationship with God is a lot more complex and personal than people make it out to be. I don't have the right to tell you what you need to do to feel close to Him, and you don't have the right to tell me. It depends on the person and unless we're sitting down to listen to another person tell us about where they're at, then we don't have the right to butt into how this person functions, what they're not doing enough of, what they're doing too much of. We're not them and we don't know what's going on inside or around them. Be more sensitive, keep this in mind. Relationships fluctuate. Sometimes you just have to sit through the low points, remembering that the highs are coming. It's only natural that your relationship will go up and down and that's between you and God. If there's one thing I know about Him, it's that He's understanding and meets you where you are. You don't need to feel ashamed.