I Don't Know The Answers

I wish I had the answers to all of the difficult questions in life. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how. I wish I knew the answers to the what if's. But I don't, and I won't, and chances are, you won't either. What I do know, is the muck sucks. 

We are in the final month of 2016, and I don't know about you, but 2016 has been rrooouuuugggghhhh. 

January was one of the roughest months of my life. In March, I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder, and was chose to begin medication for it. Depression continued to tear at me throughout the months, with self destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation. In August, my uncle passed away from brain cancer. Currently, my great grandpa has been given only a couple weeks and is under hospice care because he has pneumonia. This year has been completely exhausting, and it's been more difficult to watch the people around me get beaten down by circumstances over and over again. 

I am so very privileged, and have no problem admitting it. Which makes me think of all of the things those who don't have resources, a safe neighborhood, a mostly healthy family, must have dealt with over the past year. 

And this leads me to WHY? Why does everything have to be so freaking hard sometimes? Why have there been so many bumps in the road? Why do people get cancer or die of sickness when there are so many people that need them? 

And like I said, I don't have the answers. I don't know why or how or when things will get better. But, what I do know is that I have to believe that there's a bigger picture. That the God of the universe, who watched His son die a slow and painful death so that people like us could live, must have a purpose. That although life is filled with so much pain, it's also filled with so much simple beauty, and sometimes the former leads to the latter. 

God, remind me that you have my best interest at heart. That you love me and are proud of me. That things will be okay. And that no matter what, I have you, and I will always be yours and you, mine. Remind me that your plans are so so much bigger than I could understand and that my existence has purpose. Remind me that I'm safe with you in times where it feels like everything's crashing down. God, Dad, remind me constantly of your love. Thank you for your patience when I'm skeptical. Thank you for your understanding when I'm angry.  Thank you for meeting me where I'm at each and every da. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Ammmeeeeeennnnnn.