Don't Lose Your Fight, Kid.

I got my second tattoo yesterday. It says "don't lose your fight, kid."

The generation my grandparents are from stems from a whole different set of beliefs than the one that I do. This is reflected in their beliefs and lack of filter in what they say. Of course I love them, but sometimes they don't know what shouldn't come out of their mouths and what should. My grandma has explicitly stated what she thinks about my tattoos. She seems to think I'm tainted and that even though she knows exactly who I am, that I have joined the group of rebellious, low-lifes that they were taught to categorize anyone with tattoos or piercings into. She still loves me and does the grandma thing where she feeds me and all that, but you can tell by her tone of voice when the topic comes up.

Today, I got into the car with her and she asked me if I had gone to get one because my mom had mentioned it to her. Excitedly, I showed her it. She read it very slowly and asked, "what does that mean?" with her specific tone of voice showing she didn't like it.

Although my tattoos may just seem like cliche things that I got just so I could say I have tattoos, they actually mean something to me. For the days I don't feel like getting out of bed and the weight of the world is too heavy, I will remember the time I wanted myself to never lose my fight enough to get it permanently placed on my body. My dad is always one to tell me that there's something special about me and that I have the ability to change the world. He never loses faith in me and constantly tells me to keep pushing forward. Don't lose your fight, kid, is something he'd say to me when I have no motivation left. But he knows what I have in me. He knows the strength and ambition I have. I want to remember on the dark days that no matter how little faith I have in me, he has an infinite amount more. That I have what it takes to get out of bed when I don't feel like it. To take on the day when it feels like to much. When I think I can't.

And to you, who is reading this, I want you to remember you have a lot more in you than you think. Don't lose your fight, kid.

Thank You For Today

If you asked me about my generalized anxiety, I'd tell you to fall down the stairs and memorize the dropping feeling in your stomach like it was your own face, staring back at you in the mirror.

If you asked me about my panic disorder, I'd tell you to picture being chained to a weight on the floor of a pool.

If you asked me about my mild major depressive disorder, I'd tell you I watched eight seasons of Grey's Anatomy and didn't get out of bed for anything besides the bathroom and food for almost all of winter break.

If you asked me about myself, I'd tell you I'm a whirl of emotion. I feel too little and too much, both at the same time. I'd tell you about my prescription meds that help dull that out a little. I'd tell you each individual story. I'd tell you how many hugs and words of encouragement I've received. I'd tell you that it's brought me so much closer to so many people and has shown me God's love, patience, and understanding in more ways that I could explain. I'd tell you about how big I smile when someone tells me I have helped them. That my story has made a difference in their lives. I'm an honest person and I feel that it's my job to tell you that you're not alone. You're not crazy. You feel what you feel and that's all that matters. That's what makes it real.

I'm here to tell you that your story, whether it be your mental health, your physical health, your past, etc., is helping someone else and the fact that you subscribed to all of today's problems, no matter how bad you didn't want to, has inspired someone else to stay. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love is the Movement

For a really long time, I've felt that I don't have a story. That because my life has looked perfect from the outside, I can't help anyone. I think most people that believe in God feel like they can't be used by Him, whether it be because they feel like their past was too messy, or in my case, not messy enough. Not that I'd ever hope to have a bad upbringing, but I just felt like I grew up in a normal household, my parents are still married, I've always had a place to live, so I don't have the right to say anything to anyone who has been through more.

I'm coming to realize, with great reminders from the people around me, that I don't need to have a crazy story to help people. I have a big enough heart and the ability to give people little reminders that they are enough. That it's okay to hurt for as long as you need to. That better days are coming, no matter how cliche that sounds.

I think it's so important to take advantage of the fact that we can make a person's day by saying one kind thing. By being there for them when they need it. By listening. By hugging. Because you could be the only person in their life willing to do that for them.

I just want to remind you that it doesn't take a crazy past to be used by God or to change a life. Whatever you want to call it. Love is all it takes. Just keep being there for people, giving words of encouragement, giving hugs, letting people know that they're not alone. That's all.

Stop Setting Yourself On Fire

I'm a lover, I don't do confrontation, and I feel things a lot more when they're happening to other people. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but I get a lot more overwhelmed, anxious, and upset when other people are upset because I know that I can't just fix it. I get nervous that I don't know where they're at and how much control over themselves they have. So basically, I try to do it all. I do everything that I can to surround them in all directions with love, support, encouragement, and the least amount of time alone possible.

I read a quote last night that has really been on my mind. It said, "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

There are certain people that I resent because I set myself on fire and they couldn't see that. They couldn't see that I was ruining myself to make sure they were okay. As soon as I was no longer of use to them, they dropped me and I didn't and still don't know how to get past that. I never gave myself permission to take care of myself and I guess that's my fault.

By no means am I saying don't be there for the people who need you, but make sure you're not burning yourself to ash while doing it. Take this quote as permission to take a step back and refresh yourself. You, too, are very important.

Life Update

I've been told for years that I should go to counseling/therapy/whatever you want to call it. When I was in seventh grade my mom made me an appointment and I cried until she promised me she'd cancel it. This happened again in ninth grade. This is me proudly announcing that I have finally made an appointment to start going. I'm honestly extremely terrified to have to share my feelings with someone I know nothing about, but once it's past that part I've heard it's super helpful.

ALSO, praying out loud makes me want to crawl into a hole or melt into a little puddle. Why? I have no idea. BUT, last night I prayed out loud and afterwards was told that's the most confident my friend and team leader for YoungLife has heard me pray. Makes me feel like I'm actually growing, ya know? Other people can always see how much progress we're making from an outside perspective but we're the same person so all we see is the behaviors that are still the same, the personality characteristics that are still the same, etc. It was really nice to feel like someone was proud of me for something small like that.

Today, I'm feeling quite a bit anxious knowing that I need to show up to that appointment, but I know that they're there to help me and that I'm not the only person who has been nervous before showing up. I'm just thankful that I have the ability and opportunity to do this because I know a lot of people are battling things inside their heads but can't afford it, aren't allowed to, etc.

Thanks for listening to my little update and I hope y'all have a wonderful day filled with lots of peace, laughter, and down time for yourselves!

What I Learned in the Muck

I grew up wishing I didn't have freckles, wishing I had darker hair, wishing I had nice eyebrows, wishing I was smarter, funnier, prettier, dressed nicer. There wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

Up until about 2 months ago, there wasn't much about Ashley that I liked.

I had to go through a really rough patch to get to where I am. It was ugly, it was scary, and it was draining, but I'm here, now.

For a very long time, I did everything I could to make the people around me happy, I put so much of my energy into making sure they knew they were important to me. It was so rewarding at first, until I took so much out of myself loving others when it didn't feel like I was worthy or that anyone loved me.

That was definitely my rock bottom, but they always say that your mess becomes your message, so here I am, telling you about the one thing that I learned in the middle of the muck.

I read something on Pinterest about half way through the funk and it was specifically aimed at people who have anxiety and how everything is a battle. That each and everything you do throughout the day is a victory, whether it be as small as getting dressed in the morning or as large as going to a job interview. I read that you should reward yourself for these things because you're trying and you deserve it.You are a warrior. I am a warrior. So I began rewarding myself for the little things. I bought myself hot chocolate after finishing a psychology test, I bought myself a shirt online for taking in a job application, I watched 8 episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I registered for classes.

I began to treat myself like I was actually proud of myself. I began to treat myself like a friend. I started treating myself with patience, understanding, forgiveness. I remembered that I'm trying and that each day that I get out of bed and show up to where I need to be, I am winning. I am victorious. I am a fighter. I am special. I am worthy of praise and love.

This is the story of how I began to love myself for the frustrating, the ugly, the confusing. I'm only human, it was time I started treating myself like one.

And so should you. If you're exhausted and you feel like you can't anymore, if you're insecure, if you are lonely, scared, or angry, reward yourself for the little things you do. Getting out of bed, showing up to school, work, etc., finishing homework, making it through the day. Those are all victories. You are winning. You are fighting. You are a warrior. (And yes, I am talking to YOU.)

My Backpack of Heavy Things

I've always been one to feel like it's my job to fix everything. To fix all of the wrongs in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm a control freak and carrying those things on my shoulders, although unhealthy, is a comfortable place for it to be. That's where it's always been and I feel better being responsible for everything because then at least I feel like it'll get done. But then it extends to pieces of my life that I can't change.

A week or so ago, I was talking to my parents about how I wanted to get my life together and how I think we should all start eating healthy and start exercising, because I come from a family who isn't the healthiest. My dad then said, "Ashley, you're not going to like what I'm going to say next, but you can't save everyone." And that broke my heart. That's the moment I seriously realized how much stuff I carry. I feel like it's my job to fix everything all the time, because if I don't, then who will?

Today, I had a really helpful and comforting conversation with my good friend, Jackie (jackiehrndz.wordpress.com), in which I learned and was reminded of a lot. It's taken some time but I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to carry it all. There's a God who loves me enough to take the burden and who isn't disappointed with me when I am doubtful and have trouble handing it all over to Him.

I am so thankful for friends who love me and help guide me in times of craziness, confusion, hurt, because that's when I see how patient and present He is in my life.

Thank You, God, for wanting to carry my burdens and for loving me when I just can't give them over to You or have trouble trusting You. I pray that I lay them down and stop trying to pick them back up, because I can't fix them, only You can. Thank You for meeting me where I am every day and for giving me this crazy, but beautiful life to live. AMEN.

People Probably Think I'm Crazy

I have this irrational fear of being warm when it's cold outside. I rub my ears when I'm tired. I chew the insides of my mouth. I have this odd nervousness around food to where some days I can't sit at a dinner table because it makes me so uncomfortable. I shake a lot when I'm even the smallest bit of cold or when I'm nervous. I can't sleep without MY pillow. I pick my arms when I get stressed out and it leaves scabs sometimes. I repress my emotions often. 

These are all things about me that are 100% true and I know they're irrational and weird and some of them make me seem crazy, but they're real. 

We all have our own little quirks, fears, whatever you want to call them. We all deal with things differently and lately I've just realized how important it is to just let people be when they're having their moments. Being a psychology major, I'm learning how much EVERYTHING impacts the way we have developed and the way we think. We are all the way we are because of every single experience and every single person in our life, so it's not exactly a choice for us to be terrified of the ocean or to not don't deal with stress easily. 

Basically, what I'm saying is try to put yourself in others' shoes. When you see someone on the bus doing something you would consider weird, just shrug it off and let them be. Or when someone doesn't cope with things the same as you, if they don't feel the same emotions as you in a certain situation, understand that they are that way for a reason and they have the right to deal with things differently. Don't give them dirty looks, don't stare, don't question them. Just let them be because chances are, they don't want to feel or act that way either and you don't want to make them feel worse about. Understanding and patience goes a long way. Trust me. 

That's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately and wanted to get it out. 

Hope you all are having a wonderful day and that something really wonderful happens! 

Until next time!