I think a lot. Sometimes it's a pain in the neck, sometimes a gift. This time, I am grateful.
I was on Instagram (as usual), and came across a girl's account in which there was a comment on her picture about how she's redeemed and loved.
I saw a girl post a picture of her tattoo earlier that said redeemed.
I've seen "saved by grace," too.
I agree. We have been redeemed. We have been saved by grace. But, I think there's such a huge part that people are missing.
We live our lives, we walk as if we have been redeemed and saved by grace. One time. The moment we said yes to Jesus.
But we are missing such a big piece of who God is.
Embarrassingly, most of my crappy stuff that I've done, thought, and said, has been after I said yes. And I know that each moment I'm alive, those kinds of things are being redeemed. I'm BEING redeemed. I'm actively being saved each and every day.
We act as if we have been given a clean slate one time. But the thing about this constant grace we're given, is that it is CONSTANT. And we are being forgiven, made new, healed, each and every moment.
Remember that. God didn't stop when you gave your life to Jesus. He still hasn't stopped. And He won't ever.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Stronger Together
I went to the Women's March on Saturday, January 21st in Downtown San Diego. I have spent a week trying to figure out what I'd say about it, but I don't have words to communicate the power and vulnerability of that day. So, here's some pictures that I took. Hopefully they make you feel even an ounce of what I felt that day.
Friday, January 27, 2017
We're Not Jokes
I'd like to consider myself a mental health advocate. I know what it feels like, the reactions you can get from others, and and how all that affects who you are.
I'm also a follower of Jesus, which traditionally doesn't quite match up with mental health advocacy.
Here's why....
I live with my grandparents. They are Portuguese and don't speak much English, so communication between us is not the easiest. The language barrier prevents us, or just makes it a little tougher to talk about our lives, so to be completely honest, we don't know a whole lot about each other.
Now that some background is set, here's the story.
So, today, I was sitting and drinking some coffee with my grandma and somehow we got on the topic of pills and I told her why I take mine: for anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. She was somewhat understanding of that, and had an idea before today. But I expressed to her my true and vulnerable experiences; sweats, shaking, nausea, fear of leaving the house, trouble getting out of bed. And she listened.
Until she started telling me, through her broken English, that I need to be strong. That I have to fight. That I have to push away those thoughts and ideas, which I agree is important to try, but I explained that sometimes it's so much bigger than that. In the moment, it seems almost impossible. She left it with, "well, we all have our weaknesses."
Later on in the day, I was walking through the kitchen and she brought out her pamphlet that she got at church today. She told me she needed to show me something, which ended up being a little quote. Something to the effect of "The only way to conquer fear is faith."
She told me I need to pray about it.
I told her I had for years.
She told me she didn't believe me. Or that maybe I was praying the wrong things.
I don't resent her, I understand that we see God differently.
But, it's not just about this experience. It's about the same ones over and over again.
It's about the fact that people can work up the courage to open up to their loved ones about the madness in their heads, and it can still be invalidated. It can still be seen as a joke or a sign of "weakness."
But let me tell you, these things are not weaknesses. They do not make me any less of a strong woman, capable of great things. They are a strength. The fact that going through the day, leaving the house, talking to people, is a war in itself, only goes to show that it makes us stronger.
I am not weak. If you're struggling, you're not weak. Regardless of what your family thinks, you're friends say to you, the things you read on the internet. Things are just hard sometimes, and that's okay. Keep pushing and remember to take care of yourselves.
Seek help when you're ready.
I'm also a follower of Jesus, which traditionally doesn't quite match up with mental health advocacy.
Here's why....
I live with my grandparents. They are Portuguese and don't speak much English, so communication between us is not the easiest. The language barrier prevents us, or just makes it a little tougher to talk about our lives, so to be completely honest, we don't know a whole lot about each other.
Now that some background is set, here's the story.
So, today, I was sitting and drinking some coffee with my grandma and somehow we got on the topic of pills and I told her why I take mine: for anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. She was somewhat understanding of that, and had an idea before today. But I expressed to her my true and vulnerable experiences; sweats, shaking, nausea, fear of leaving the house, trouble getting out of bed. And she listened.
Until she started telling me, through her broken English, that I need to be strong. That I have to fight. That I have to push away those thoughts and ideas, which I agree is important to try, but I explained that sometimes it's so much bigger than that. In the moment, it seems almost impossible. She left it with, "well, we all have our weaknesses."
Later on in the day, I was walking through the kitchen and she brought out her pamphlet that she got at church today. She told me she needed to show me something, which ended up being a little quote. Something to the effect of "The only way to conquer fear is faith."
She told me I need to pray about it.
I told her I had for years.
She told me she didn't believe me. Or that maybe I was praying the wrong things.
I don't resent her, I understand that we see God differently.
But, it's not just about this experience. It's about the same ones over and over again.
It's about the fact that people can work up the courage to open up to their loved ones about the madness in their heads, and it can still be invalidated. It can still be seen as a joke or a sign of "weakness."
But let me tell you, these things are not weaknesses. They do not make me any less of a strong woman, capable of great things. They are a strength. The fact that going through the day, leaving the house, talking to people, is a war in itself, only goes to show that it makes us stronger.
I am not weak. If you're struggling, you're not weak. Regardless of what your family thinks, you're friends say to you, the things you read on the internet. Things are just hard sometimes, and that's okay. Keep pushing and remember to take care of yourselves.
Seek help when you're ready.
Friday, January 20, 2017
With Them
Today is a weird and eery day. First off it's raining. Like pouring. And second, as you knew I was going to say, it's the inauguration.
Today is filled with fear and anger from so many, as seen through the breaking of shop windows in DC. I want to acknowledge the many that are probably thinking get over it, he's our president whether you like it or not, destroying things is not the answer. These people are desperate and angry. The system that was supposed to help this country succeed, is the one that has brought us to our breaking point.
This is a difficult time for many. For those who are underrepresented and their allies. For the people who had hope for complete equality. For many. So on this day, whether you don't support Trump or you do, it's a time to be with those who are scared. To provide them with resources they may need, hugs, a kind word or two. For those who aren't directly affected, it may feel like no change. But for others, this is a huge deal.
For the hurting: I am with you. I hear you. I support you. I love you.
Be there for them. Things are hard. Life is hard. Be with them. Stand with them.
Today is filled with fear and anger from so many, as seen through the breaking of shop windows in DC. I want to acknowledge the many that are probably thinking get over it, he's our president whether you like it or not, destroying things is not the answer. These people are desperate and angry. The system that was supposed to help this country succeed, is the one that has brought us to our breaking point.
This is a difficult time for many. For those who are underrepresented and their allies. For the people who had hope for complete equality. For many. So on this day, whether you don't support Trump or you do, it's a time to be with those who are scared. To provide them with resources they may need, hugs, a kind word or two. For those who aren't directly affected, it may feel like no change. But for others, this is a huge deal.
For the hurting: I am with you. I hear you. I support you. I love you.
Be there for them. Things are hard. Life is hard. Be with them. Stand with them.
Monday, January 16, 2017
A Little Bit of Hope and a Whole Lot of Patience
There's not much in this life that you can guarantee. There's not much consistency or predictability, which can be really frustrating, and for a control freak like me? Oh boy, that's a tough one.
I'm not crazy wise or creative, but I have lived for 19 years, and learned that the two keys to survival are a little bit hope and patience.
When life gets hard and things feel unbearable, the only things that can really keep me going are a little bit of hope that things won't last like that forever, and patience until it changes. Not long ago, my little bit of hope was the fact that my brother got into a university he really wanted to go to and I wanted to be there to see him succeed. And patience was waiting out circumstances until things became a little easier.
I don't know you, I don't know your life or story, but I do know what has helped me. I believe that I was put on this earth to help others heal, and by sharing what's worked for me, I feel like I'm doing what I can with the knowledge that I have right now.
When you feel like you can't anymore, find something, a person, a day, a hobby, that you can look forward to or hold onto. Then, wait. Waiting is hard but keep on keeping on. It won't last forever.
Thanks for reading, and for being you, ya doll.
Much love.
I'm not crazy wise or creative, but I have lived for 19 years, and learned that the two keys to survival are a little bit hope and patience.
When life gets hard and things feel unbearable, the only things that can really keep me going are a little bit of hope that things won't last like that forever, and patience until it changes. Not long ago, my little bit of hope was the fact that my brother got into a university he really wanted to go to and I wanted to be there to see him succeed. And patience was waiting out circumstances until things became a little easier.
I don't know you, I don't know your life or story, but I do know what has helped me. I believe that I was put on this earth to help others heal, and by sharing what's worked for me, I feel like I'm doing what I can with the knowledge that I have right now.
When you feel like you can't anymore, find something, a person, a day, a hobby, that you can look forward to or hold onto. Then, wait. Waiting is hard but keep on keeping on. It won't last forever.
Thanks for reading, and for being you, ya doll.
Much love.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Thoughts on Empathy
Over the past year or so, I've thought and thought about where we as a people are going wrong. Why there's so much hurt, hate, and disagreement. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind differing opinions. I'm more than open to hear other people's sides to see where they're coming from, and to let them know mine. With that being said, though, there are certain opinions that I just consider wrong. Believing that other races don't deserve equal opportunities, that women don't deserve the right to choose what happens to their bodies, that the LGBTQIA+ community is hated by God. I understand that not everyone agrees with me but these are are beliefs that I cannot accept or validate.
I've come to the conclusion that the ability to feel empathy is almost a talent these days. Or maybe it always has been, but I couldn't see it through my naive lenses. So many people are so stuck in their experiences, and don't know how to or don't want to try to think about anyone else's.
I had a little bit of a confrontation with a family member-ish (if that's what you want to call her). Of course, it was political, because that's what everything is these days. She was pro Trump, and I am against him and his beliefs, actions, and presidency. Amongst her speech aimed at converting me to Trump-ism, she made racial comments, misogynistic comments (which I did not see coming, because of her identity as a woman), and honestly, pieces of information that seemed to have come straight from The Onion (a satirical news site - http://www.theonion.com). And I looked at her, with tears in my eyes, unable to understand how someone could be so obsessed with her own life. That someone could be so closed minded to the experiences and feelings of others. I don't have the ability to look at someone who is different than me, and say that they don't matter just because of where they were born, who they were born as. I didn't do anything to earn the privileges that I have, so why should we treat people who didn't do anything to receive the opposite things like I'm any better.
It seems like just a select few people know how to place themselves in another's shoes. If you really think about the way that the world could change if more people just cared more about what other people's lives looked like, wars could be stopped, hate crimes prevented, and people actually feeling welcomed and loved as human beings, who deserve to be looked at as equals. Don't blindly follow someone just because of their position of power. Think before you speak. Love more than you hate.
Have a good night, friends. xoxo
I've come to the conclusion that the ability to feel empathy is almost a talent these days. Or maybe it always has been, but I couldn't see it through my naive lenses. So many people are so stuck in their experiences, and don't know how to or don't want to try to think about anyone else's.
I had a little bit of a confrontation with a family member-ish (if that's what you want to call her). Of course, it was political, because that's what everything is these days. She was pro Trump, and I am against him and his beliefs, actions, and presidency. Amongst her speech aimed at converting me to Trump-ism, she made racial comments, misogynistic comments (which I did not see coming, because of her identity as a woman), and honestly, pieces of information that seemed to have come straight from The Onion (a satirical news site - http://www.theonion.com). And I looked at her, with tears in my eyes, unable to understand how someone could be so obsessed with her own life. That someone could be so closed minded to the experiences and feelings of others. I don't have the ability to look at someone who is different than me, and say that they don't matter just because of where they were born, who they were born as. I didn't do anything to earn the privileges that I have, so why should we treat people who didn't do anything to receive the opposite things like I'm any better.
It seems like just a select few people know how to place themselves in another's shoes. If you really think about the way that the world could change if more people just cared more about what other people's lives looked like, wars could be stopped, hate crimes prevented, and people actually feeling welcomed and loved as human beings, who deserve to be looked at as equals. Don't blindly follow someone just because of their position of power. Think before you speak. Love more than you hate.
Have a good night, friends. xoxo
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
I Don't Know The Answers
I wish I had the answers to all of the difficult questions in life. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how. I wish I knew the answers to the what if's. But I don't, and I won't, and chances are, you won't either. What I do know, is the muck sucks.
We are in the final month of 2016, and I don't know about you, but 2016 has been rrooouuuugggghhhh.
January was one of the roughest months of my life. In March, I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder, and was chose to begin medication for it. Depression continued to tear at me throughout the months, with self destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation. In August, my uncle passed away from brain cancer. Currently, my great grandpa has been given only a couple weeks and is under hospice care because he has pneumonia. This year has been completely exhausting, and it's been more difficult to watch the people around me get beaten down by circumstances over and over again.
I am so very privileged, and have no problem admitting it. Which makes me think of all of the things those who don't have resources, a safe neighborhood, a mostly healthy family, must have dealt with over the past year.
And this leads me to WHY? Why does everything have to be so freaking hard sometimes? Why have there been so many bumps in the road? Why do people get cancer or die of sickness when there are so many people that need them?
And like I said, I don't have the answers. I don't know why or how or when things will get better. But, what I do know is that I have to believe that there's a bigger picture. That the God of the universe, who watched His son die a slow and painful death so that people like us could live, must have a purpose. That although life is filled with so much pain, it's also filled with so much simple beauty, and sometimes the former leads to the latter.
God, remind me that you have my best interest at heart. That you love me and are proud of me. That things will be okay. And that no matter what, I have you, and I will always be yours and you, mine. Remind me that your plans are so so much bigger than I could understand and that my existence has purpose. Remind me that I'm safe with you in times where it feels like everything's crashing down. God, Dad, remind me constantly of your love. Thank you for your patience when I'm skeptical. Thank you for your understanding when I'm angry. Thank you for meeting me where I'm at each and every da. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ammmeeeeeennnnnn.
We are in the final month of 2016, and I don't know about you, but 2016 has been rrooouuuugggghhhh.
January was one of the roughest months of my life. In March, I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder, and was chose to begin medication for it. Depression continued to tear at me throughout the months, with self destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation. In August, my uncle passed away from brain cancer. Currently, my great grandpa has been given only a couple weeks and is under hospice care because he has pneumonia. This year has been completely exhausting, and it's been more difficult to watch the people around me get beaten down by circumstances over and over again.
I am so very privileged, and have no problem admitting it. Which makes me think of all of the things those who don't have resources, a safe neighborhood, a mostly healthy family, must have dealt with over the past year.
And this leads me to WHY? Why does everything have to be so freaking hard sometimes? Why have there been so many bumps in the road? Why do people get cancer or die of sickness when there are so many people that need them?
And like I said, I don't have the answers. I don't know why or how or when things will get better. But, what I do know is that I have to believe that there's a bigger picture. That the God of the universe, who watched His son die a slow and painful death so that people like us could live, must have a purpose. That although life is filled with so much pain, it's also filled with so much simple beauty, and sometimes the former leads to the latter.
God, remind me that you have my best interest at heart. That you love me and are proud of me. That things will be okay. And that no matter what, I have you, and I will always be yours and you, mine. Remind me that your plans are so so much bigger than I could understand and that my existence has purpose. Remind me that I'm safe with you in times where it feels like everything's crashing down. God, Dad, remind me constantly of your love. Thank you for your patience when I'm skeptical. Thank you for your understanding when I'm angry. Thank you for meeting me where I'm at each and every da. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ammmeeeeeennnnnn.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
it's a lot more complex and personal than we make it out to be
I follow Jesus. I believe in God. I hate to put a label or "religion" on it, so I just like to leave it at that.
Hearing that, I wonder what ideas you get about me. What you think I do in my free time, what the bio on my instagram looks like, etc. Funny enough, all of the things you think about me are actually most likely the opposite.
As I've said on this blog before, I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I'm currently in tough little bout.
I think the majority of Jesus followers on social media have good intentions. I believe that they want to motivate their friends to build the strongest relationship with God as possible, but often times these people don't take a moment to read their tweets, etc. to think about what others may be feeling.
I don't experience depression the way it is portrayed in movies and tv shows. I just have a lack of interest and little to no energy. I don't enjoy leaving the house and most of the time I can't think for long enough to stay on one train of thought for more than a few seconds. It's not laziness. It's not disinterest. That's why the moment I read something to the effect of it being my fault if my relationship with God isn't as good as I want it to be, it stuck with me and hurt quite a bit.
I'm going to be really vulnerable and real with you right now, and honestly, it's a little uncomfortable for me to admit this, but I am not in the strongest relationship with Him right now. I haven't been able to finish a prayer in a couple months and it's something that I feel I've been trained to be ashamed of.
This isn't something that I feel, but I do know. I do feel embarrassed of where I'm at but I know that I shouldn't be. I know this isn't my fault. I know that I am not my anxiety, I am not my depression. I am not who my mental issues make me out to be. A relationship with God is a lot more complex and personal than people make it out to be. I don't have the right to tell you what you need to do to feel close to Him, and you don't have the right to tell me. It depends on the person and unless we're sitting down to listen to another person tell us about where they're at, then we don't have the right to butt into how this person functions, what they're not doing enough of, what they're doing too much of. We're not them and we don't know what's going on inside or around them. Be more sensitive, keep this in mind. Relationships fluctuate. Sometimes you just have to sit through the low points, remembering that the highs are coming. It's only natural that your relationship will go up and down and that's between you and God. If there's one thing I know about Him, it's that He's understanding and meets you where you are. You don't need to feel ashamed.
Hearing that, I wonder what ideas you get about me. What you think I do in my free time, what the bio on my instagram looks like, etc. Funny enough, all of the things you think about me are actually most likely the opposite.
As I've said on this blog before, I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I'm currently in tough little bout.
I think the majority of Jesus followers on social media have good intentions. I believe that they want to motivate their friends to build the strongest relationship with God as possible, but often times these people don't take a moment to read their tweets, etc. to think about what others may be feeling.
I don't experience depression the way it is portrayed in movies and tv shows. I just have a lack of interest and little to no energy. I don't enjoy leaving the house and most of the time I can't think for long enough to stay on one train of thought for more than a few seconds. It's not laziness. It's not disinterest. That's why the moment I read something to the effect of it being my fault if my relationship with God isn't as good as I want it to be, it stuck with me and hurt quite a bit.
I'm going to be really vulnerable and real with you right now, and honestly, it's a little uncomfortable for me to admit this, but I am not in the strongest relationship with Him right now. I haven't been able to finish a prayer in a couple months and it's something that I feel I've been trained to be ashamed of.
This isn't something that I feel, but I do know. I do feel embarrassed of where I'm at but I know that I shouldn't be. I know this isn't my fault. I know that I am not my anxiety, I am not my depression. I am not who my mental issues make me out to be. A relationship with God is a lot more complex and personal than people make it out to be. I don't have the right to tell you what you need to do to feel close to Him, and you don't have the right to tell me. It depends on the person and unless we're sitting down to listen to another person tell us about where they're at, then we don't have the right to butt into how this person functions, what they're not doing enough of, what they're doing too much of. We're not them and we don't know what's going on inside or around them. Be more sensitive, keep this in mind. Relationships fluctuate. Sometimes you just have to sit through the low points, remembering that the highs are coming. It's only natural that your relationship will go up and down and that's between you and God. If there's one thing I know about Him, it's that He's understanding and meets you where you are. You don't need to feel ashamed.
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